Wednesday, January 31, 2007

That Water Bottle Argument

Since we were having problems with our electricity bill, we have decided to stop using electric kettles for an entire month to see if our house's electrical wiring was indeed leaking. Problem is, we use electric kettles to boil our drinking water everyday. So now we have no choice but to get our daily supply of H2O from a nearby water dispensing machine. 10 sen per liter. It's considerably cheap.

So every morning before class, we would drive over to the dispenser with our empty bottles to refill. One day, Adrian uttered one of the most thought provoking phrases I've ever heard in my life:

(On the way to the dispenser)
Adrian: My bottle smells. I have to wash it tonight.
Ben: You wash your bottle?
Adrian: Duh.
Ben: But.. I don't.
Adrian: And the winner of Grossest Man On Earth goes to..
Ben: Ok listen, cleaning a bottle is basically rinsing it with pipe water, right? Might as well save the hassle and fill it up with clean, cooked water.
Adrian: But the reason we rinse the bottle is so we can get rid of the bacteria.
Ben: My bottle is always closed. Where does this 'bacteria' come from?
Adrian: Your saliva.
Ben: There's no bacteria in our saliva.
Adrian: Then how come I don't see you licking your sweat of your body or eating your crap off the toilet bowl?!
Ben: But our body NEEDS to excrete stuff like sweat, pee and crap because they're harmful to our bodies. You don't see me needing to drool or spit, right? So this means my saliva is clean and I don't have to wash my bottle. And neither should you.
Adrian: But.. but..

Do we really need to wash our water bottles/containers? Anyway, exam week is upon us. One down, four to go. Oh and CK has been added to My Characters post. Finally.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sinking Of CK

Yesterday, CK almost drowned and couldn't sleep the next day:

CK Almost Drowned

Friday, January 26, 2007

Clogged Up Water Tank

The water supply in Skudai was finally restored and our pipes were finally spewing out precious water! But there was a problem. Only the main pipes in the kitchen and our front yard were working fine but the other pipes in our house like the shower and sinks were still dead.

This could only mean that there's a problem with our water tank and so, we had to go all the way up there to unclog it. There you have it; 5 engineering students, one cold Friday afternoon and a clogged up water tank. This ought to be fun. Engineers must have an elaborate plan prepared before executing a task. We did. First, we located the only the attic in our house and then got the utilities ready.

We prepared candles in case it's too dark up there, a plunger to unclog the pipes, a long piece of steel wire in case the object clogging the pipes are solid, and a pack of M&Ms in case anyone gets hungry. We didn't have a ladder so Adrian suggested that we stack some tables and chairs.


Like this.

It was really wobbly and unstable so when it came time to decide who goes up,

Adrian: I gave the idea for the ladder replacement.
CK: I went out to buy the plunger for you guys.
Normie: I just got back from a tiring basketball game.
Kim: I'm still a virgin.
Ben: Ditto.

everyone chickened out. Apparently, we forgot to prepare both our testicles for this task. Kim was the lightest among the five of us so it was only practical that he went up there. He got smart and quickly opted for bribbery:

Kim: I'll treat anyone who guys up there first to a McD Sundae Cone.
Ben: That's only a buck. I'm not risking my life for a buck.
Kim: Fine, I'll treat him a er.. McFlurry.
Normie: I'LL DO IT! OUT OF MY WAY!

And in a heart beat, Normie was already up there awaiting for instructions. Imagine what that man would do for an entire McValue meal. That's when we decided to play a prank on him and quickly packed up all the chairs and tables and hid in a corner.

Normie: Guys?
Normie: Guys?!
Normie: FUCK YOU ALL! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!
Normie: OMG I SAW SOMETHING MOVING UP HERE!
Normie: Oh wait, that's my foot.
Normie: WOOOOOOOOOIII!!

Those were some of the weird ass comments he made. Freaked out people are funny. After that we put everything back in order and handed him the candles and plunger to do his thing. I swear as he was unclogging the tank, he was moaning and grunting the whole time as if he was trying to impregnate our water tank:

Normie: (While plunging the tank) Take that, water tank! *grunt, grunt*
Normie: (Drips candle wax all over the tank) You like that, don't you?
Normie: (continues plunging the tank) Yeah! Yeah!

We each took turns to go up the attic to plunge the tank (it's damn tiring). When it came to CK's turn, our pipes finally unclogged and WE COULD FINALLY SHOWER!! Everyone quickly ran into their toilets to take their well-deserved bath. Bath soaps were used excessively, songs were hummed, whistles were er.. whistled. Everyone was happy that the water supply is back to normal. After that, we all went out for a 'victory' dinner at McDs. It was a great day.

(In the car, on the way to McD)
Kim: Wait.. where's CK?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Need For Speed & Special Olympics

Last month I bought Need For Speed Carbon and had hellafun with it. That is, after I got stuck in the 5th and final stage of the game. From them on, no matter how many flawless runs I had or perfect corners I took, I couldn't seem to get ahead of the pack. That's when I uninstalled the game, threw the CD away and continued blogging.

York picked up the game 2 days ago (after I told him not to) and that smart-ass finished the game in 2 days. He wouldn't stop pestering me about how he was the Drift King on the streets and I was the ugly pixelated bitch who starts every race in the game. I was tired of all the bashing and naturally got defensive:

Ben: I stopped playing because the game was stupid. The tracks were mediocre, the physics were illogical and the graphics sucked.
York: But I finished it in 2 days. From what I heard, you got stuck halfway. LOSER!
Ben: Eh, finishing that god-awful game is like getting a gold medal in a special Olympics race.
York: What?
Ben: It's like, of course you'll win since everything about the game is screwed up. But wouldn't the victory seem a bit hollow?
York: But that's makes it even worse for you. You couldn't even win the race!
Ben: I'm different. See, I was running and I realised that it was a special Olympics race so I immediately pulled out of it. You continued running. You kiasu.
York: You suck.

And here's another audio clip from moi. Patience, loading takes time:

Brown Noser

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I Swear I Won't Delete This One

Ok I listened to this a few times and I didn't puke. Hope you guys won't too:

Water Outage


Edit: I gotta thank Jayelle for plugging my site. She did an audio post too. Go check it out.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I Hate My Sister

Humility ..

(On SMS)
Sister: I got BAND 6 for MUET (Malaysian University English Test)!
Ben: Ok good for you.
Sister: Haha, hey didn't you get a.. wait.. you only got a Band 5.
Ben: ...
Sister: My elder brother WHO HAS A BLOG only got a Band 5 for MUET. So this means *gasp* that I am so much better than him. Or.. he is so much worse than me. Or.. he just isn't that good, at all.

.. is a quality seriously lacking in my family.

Edit: I am so sorry but I just had to delete that audio post. I got goosebumps just hearing my own self speak. I promise to speak in a more natural tone, tomorrow :D

Monday, January 22, 2007

Guys Are Horny Bastards

Everyone was tired from spending the entire day in 5 different lecture halls. It was understandable that the atmosphere on the ride home would make a cemetery seem like Disneyland. That's when I tried to brighten things up with a fun topic:

Ben: What would you do if you were invisible for an hour?
CK: I'd sneak into our lecturer's room and modify my exam marks.
Kim: I'd kill everyone I hate.
Adrian: I'd rob a bank.
Normie: I'd rape a girl.

(Silence)

CK: Forget what I said earlier. I'll go with rape.
Kim: Screw vengeance, I'll go with Normie's idea.
Adrian: Yeah, rape, definitely.

So much for a fun topic.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Women & Porn Talk

(While having lunch yesterday)
June: Do you watch porn?
Ben: ... do you have a tape recorder hidden somewhere?
June: Answer the question.
Ben: I am not discussing this topic with you.
June: Why not?
Ben: Because you're a girl!
June: So what?! I can be as open minded as the guys, you know.
Ben: Open minded?! Don't you lie to me. I've seen it a lot of times when a guy accidentally blurts out a vulgar word, you girls would make 'the face' and stare down at the guy till he bleeds from his eyes. I couldn't imagine what porn-talk might evoke you to do.
June: Porn and vulgar words are two different things. One is making love and the other is just plain rude.
Ben: There are plenty of porn that have the guy yelling obscene words while banging the girl. What is that to you?!
June: So you DO watch.
Ben: Damn it.
June: I just want to ask, what do you think of girl on girl action?
Ben: Perfectly fine with it.
June: How about guy on guy action?
Ben: It's the one moment in my life when I feel unfortunate to have eyes. Isn't it the same with girls? I'm sure you'd cringe if you saw a girl and another girl getting it on.
June: No, actually we're fine with both gay and lesbian action.
Ben: Can't believe you're ok with male cocksuckers and female carpetmunchers.
June: (makes 'the face')
Ben: What?
June: WATCH YOUR MOUTH IN FRONT OF A GIRL!!

Here we go again.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

When Women Are Hard

Women can be hard sometimes. Men become horny, sex-hungry bastards when they are hard. That's ok. But when women become hard, well, it's a whole other story altogether. All conversations here are via SMS:

(It was June's birthday so I wished her a happy birthday yesterday morning)
Ben: Happy birthday! [Here comes the "aaawww, you remembered? that's so sweet of you!"]
June: Where's my present?
Ben: I'm going out tomorrow with my friends to JB. I'll get you your present then, ok?
June: You mean you don't have my present right now?! That's so insincere of you.
Ben: But I don't have my own transportation here! It's difficult for me to take a trip down the city on my own.
June: It's difficult but not impossible.

(Back from JB yesterday evening with her pressie)
Ben: Ok, I'm back after a long day searching for you present. So tomorrow we'll have lunch together? [Here comes the "aaawww, you spent the entire day looking for my pressie?"]
June: Why don't you ask me to go out tonight? Today is still my birthday, you know.
Ben: Listen, I am really tired right now. One day wouldn't make much difference now would it?
June: It's different to ME!
Ben: Sigh. So.. did you celebrate with your friends over there? [A quick change of topic should ease the tension. I'll just get her to talk about her eventful birthday celebration with her friends.]
June: So now you're pitying me?!
Ben: WHAT?!
June: I can tell by your tone that you're hoping for me to say "No, no one celebrated my birthday." Then you'll go, "See, you should be thankful I remembered your birthday." Well I've got news for you mister. My friends DID remember my birthday and they DID throw me a party with presents and all that jazz. But there was no cake. YOU owe me a cake.
Ben: [I'll stop sending anymore messages.. she won't attack if I do not provoke.]
June: RESPOND! Do you know that it's rude to leave a girl hanging?! You are SO dead tomorrow!

I'm meeting her at 11.30am later. It's 10am now. I am seriously contemplating suicide.

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Air Freshener Dilemma

It was yet another hot day and because of that, I couldn't nap properly. Fed up, I got up from bed and went straight into the bathroom to shower. But when I got out, a funny smell seemed to have engulfed the room:

Ben: *sniff* *sniff* Dude, did Calvin Klein enter our room and explode?
Kim (Roommate): I am so sorry about that. A dump truck stopped right in front of our house for a good 5 minutes. The smell got really nauseating so I discharged a generous amount of air freshener.
Ben: And what are you sorry?
Kim: See, at first I thought the smell came from you. So I kinda, sorta focused most of the discharging.. on your bed.
Ben: You did what?!
Kim: You ARE notoriously known for your BO. I saw you getting up from bed with sweat all over your body and automatically assumed the smell came from you.
Ben: But that still doesn't give you the right to carpet bomb my bed with half a can of air freshener!!
Kim: I'm sorry but the smell was really bad! It isn't after I heard the dump truck pull away that I realised my mistake.
Ben: *sniff* Gawd, even the powerpuff girls would wear gas masks to sleep on my bed now. *sniff* On second thought, this isn't so bad.
Kim: It isn't?
Ben: Think about it. This would actually save me a lot of time from putting on deodorant. In fact if there's enough, I could just roll on my bed whenever I feel dirty and avoid showering ALTOGETHER! Genius! (Proceeds to spray more of Kim's air freshener on his bed).
Kim: Your head broke a lot of falls when you were younger, didn't it?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Adrian Is Fat

We were all having dinner together and as usual, Adrian finished first. Unsatiated, he went over to a Siew Pau hawker stall to get what he calls, 'desserts'. Siew Pau folks, is a bun filled with pork. When someone you know calls meat a dessert, you know you have with you a troubled friend:

(While Adrian was munching down on his Siew Pau)
Normie: (reaches over to rub Adrian's tummy)
Adrian: ...
Normie: Dude, you are getting fatter.
Adrian: First of all, DO NOT do that in public ever again! And secondly, I am not getting fatter. So what if I'm eating more lately? I'm still maintaining my body weight you know.
Ben: You broke your chair yesterday.
Adrian: Ok fine, maybe I am a getting a little heavier but at least I'm not THAT heavy (pointing to a really obese guy passing by our table).
Ben: Holy crap, you look like Calista Flockhart next to him.
Adrian: No kidding.
Ben: But that could be you in 3 months if you keep up this new found eating habit of yours.
Adrian: Yeah right.
Ben: Seriously, he might turn around and notice you with your Siew Pau. Then he'd approach you to give a piece, "Dude, I was as thin as you 2 months ago, but then I started eating.. that."
Adrian: ... do you want my Siew Pau?
Ben: You bought your coffin, now lie in it yourself.

I Hate Little Birds

2 days ago, we were walking back to our house when something caught our eyes. It was a really young and fat bird hopping around the road. It was SO CUTE! We don't know what bird it was exactly but we all knew what we had to do right there and then; catch it, put it in a cage, make it fatter overtime, release it and see if it could still hop around with its tiny feet OR just tumble and roll torturously around the ground.

Don't call the SPCA just yet though because the tiny bird immediately flew away when Adrian slowly crept towards it. Guess you would flee for your life too if you saw 5 young adults grin menacingly at you. But since the bird was young, it had considerable trouble taking to the skies. After it wobbled around the air for a while, the bird lost control and slammed right into the neighbour's window. "Bang!".

There it was, a bruised young bird limping around the neighbour's backyard and there we were, 5 undergrads rolling on the floor laughing like amused hyenas. How is it not funny to see the bird think its reflection would dodge for its real oncoming self?! Since the bird was in the neighbour's yard and out of reach, we're left with nothing to do after but to go home.

Karma bit back. That night, I dreamt that the birdie grew 3 stories tall and had all five of us held firmly in one of its claws. Then it started throwing us one by one at a really distant target, it was too far to see what it was. My turn finally came and I was hurled with tremendous force at a.. hold on, I'm quickly approaching the target and it's a.. HOLY SHIT IT'S A WALL OF NAILS! I woke up right before one of the piece was going to pierce my eyes.

The next day I did what most people would do in my situation. I snuck into my neighbour's yard looking for the bird with chloroform in one hand and a cleaver in the other. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the damn bird!! So I switched to plan B. I wrapped cottons around a nail and stared at it for 5 minutes everytime before I go to bed. Heh, that'll show em'.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Nelson Mandela Advocates Truancy

So it's Tuesday afternoon. It's hot, we're sweaty, there's a power outage in our area, and we are in no mood whatsoever to go for this afternoon's lecture. Unfortunately, it is today that we have to present our project findings:

(At home)
Ben: Dude, it's time to go to class.
Adrian: I wanna skip.
Ben: There's a presentation today!
Adrian: Our entire campus is suffering from a power outage since this morning. How am I going to do my PowerPoint presentation?
Ben: There's this thing called a 'whiteboard'.
Adrian: I'm allergic to the smell of marker pen inks.
Ben: You are?
Adrian: Nope, but do you think our lecturer would buy it?
Ben: I highly doubt it.
Adrian: Or, I could say it's against my principle to use a whiteboard.
Ben: Huh?
Adrian: You know, because it's racist.
Ben: Elaborate.
Adrian: See, we are always writing with BLACK markers on a WHITE board but here's the thing, no matter how much we write, there will always be more whites than blacks on the entire board! Day after day, we are subtly reminded of the dominance of white people over the blacks. Why don't you just write a huge sign on every whiteboard that reads, "APARTHEID ROCKS!"
Ben: ...
Adrian: And don't get me started on the rule where the lecturers must CLEAN OFF everything on the whiteboard after each class. So after the minorities have performed their duty, you just get rid of them?! I say every time if you want a clean board, switch the whole damn thing! In fact, switch it to multi-coloured board!
Ben: Multi-coloured boards would be hard to write on.
Adrian: *GASP* You're one of THEM!

Sometimes I wonder if I'm hanging out with the wrong bunch of friends.

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Side note: Head on over to the prom night story for some newly uploaded pictures and videos. Just scroll to the bottom of the post.
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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I Dare Not Go Home

My dad left an SMS this afternoon, telling me to call him after class. It sounded urgent so I immediately hit speed dial as soon as my last period was over:

(Someone picks up the phone)
Bernice (baby sis): BENNY BOY!!
Ben: I don't want you.
Bernice: You're evil benny boy.
Ben: Where's dad?
Bernice: Dad is cooking right now. Please leave a message after the beep. "Beeeeeep" I'm an answering machine!
Ben: You're fantasizing again, aren't you?
Bernice: Fanta.. what? What's the F-word you said?
Ben: Just look up that F-word in a dictionary and stop doing it. And tell dad to call me back when he's done cooking.

(Half an hour later, my phone rang)
Ben: Hello?
Dad: I read in the news that Johor is flooded again. Did it affect your place?
Ben: Nope, it's just focused on Kota Tinggi. Skudai and even JB is perfectly fine.
Dad: So... how did your prom night go?
Ben: Well the food sucked and the programs sucked. And..
Dad: No, I mean did you get to meet any girls there?
Ben: Nope.
Dad: You didn't even take the initiative to talk to at least one?
Ben: Nah, they were all attached.
Dad: Take photos with them?
Ben: Dad, I didn't make any sort of contact with the opposite sex during prom night.
Dad: Ok fine. Then do you if it's possible for me to adopt a grandchild?
Ben: Why does it have to be me?! Maybe Bernice could bear your first grandchild.
Dad: (Looks at Bernice) (Bernice: Daddy, kor kor is right. From now on, I'm never doing the F-word again. Never ever, ever, ever!)
Ben: No.. she.. I..
Dad: -click-

Saturday, January 13, 2007

The Prom Night

Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday will forever be known as the night I popped and locked on stage alone in front of 160 audience of UTM undergraduates.

Let's hit reverse for a second and I'll try to explain the events leading up to the incident. As you all might have known, yesterday was my first prom night I've ever attended. I've got my pants and shirt each ironed 4 times, my suede shoes all neatly polished, put on me enough deodorant to last a week and had my hair flooded with half a bottle of L'oreal web.

People, suffice to say I was READY for the night and rightfully so. See besides being my first prom ever, I also watched enough MTV to have me convinced I was going to hook up with a chick there. Who wouldn't want to look their best then?

Fast forward; prom night! I actually heard loud gasps when I entered the prom hall. Most of them couldn't believe it was me because I usually dress like shit around the faculty. Seriously, I pour bags of manure over myself before I go to lectures; poorly kept hair, dirty jeans and a shirt that has absorbed 2 days worth of sweat. Anyway, you think they would be nice enough to compliment me about my cool change of fashion sense. But these are my friends you're talking about:

"Ben, you didn't have to hire a stylist just to impress us. We love you just the way you are. -hugs-"
"So.. does the real Ben make you do his laundry too?"
"I thought the Oprah Winfrey makeover show was only for butt ugly women? ... Oh right."

This is payback for all the times I've insulted them. Karma's a bitch. After that I seated myself down and surveyed the entire hall. The women there ranged from HOT to REALLY HOT! So what if they're all in make-up? According to Normie's words of wisdom; 'There are no ugly girls, just lazy girls' and boy they were hardworking tonight.

Seeing them in their overkill make-up and dresses that reveal enough skin to make a monk jerk off, I quickly came to a conclusion that they were also as desperate as I am. Yipee! But that's when I examined further and realised they all had something attached to their hands. Their boyfriends. The bitches there were taunting me and I for one, do not like to be taunted!

But truth of the matter is, the entire prom night was taunting every single undergrads there. Because right after the buffet and karaoke (more on this later), there was one really shitty program that took place. The slow dance session, which lasted for a good half an hour. So while every couple (read: everyone) were slow dancing in the ballroom, single undergrads who attended including myself were made to feel cold, alone and insignificant for 30 whole minutes. I wanted to die.

So when they finally changed the songs to hip hop and r&b, I hopped out of my chair and RAN to the dance floor. The other single undergrads followed suit and soon enough, I was doing the macarena, limbo and running man all at the same time. Stress relief is good. As the song switched to PCD's Beep, Wanyean and I somehow made our way from the dance floor to the stage.

Now let me tell you that the stage was initially filled with 20 or so people. That of course was before Wanyean and I dared each other to do the most screwed up dance routine for the song. He did the six-steps, I did the driving man, he did the shuffle, I did a seductive lap dance. Wanyean can dance and I looked like an idiot beside him. That's when I lost it and started popping and locking like a robot and before you know it, the stage was quickly cleared. HOLY SHIT, I WAS ALONE ON STAGE POPPING AND LOCKING TO PUSSYCAT DOLL'S BEEP!

Apparently everyone on stage got so embarrassed by the way I danced (it was really bad) that they ran away from me. But the crowd was nice enough to cheer me on so I just did whatever that came to mind. I was making a fool of myself but it was FUN. The cha-cha, the staying alive, the macho man, the YMCA, you name it I did it! I'm glad I was sober (no, really) to remember all the details. We then adjourned to Eskimo, a club in JB to continue the party till the wee hours.

The karaoke: I took this part out from the main story so it wouldn't interfere with the flow of me being sad and lonely. So here's what happened. Halfway through the buffet, my coursemates and I were made to go on stage to sing Jay Chou's San Hu Hai. There were two microphones supplied for the entire group and guess where one of them landed. Muahahahaha!! Ask anyone who went to the prom that night and they'll tell you I sung so badly I made blood spew out of every orifice in their body. I rule!!

I neither hooked up nor met up with any single available girl. But it was still one hell of a night.

Pictures here. Videos here and here. Unfortunately, everyone was so into the 'happy hour' portion of the night that they forgot to record me dancing on stage. No worries though. Something tells me this won't be the last time I'm doing this.


Hell yeah!

Friday, January 12, 2007

I Need

(Ben runs to Normie's room all panicky)
Ben: NORMIE!
Normie: What? What happened? What's the matter?
Ben: I.. I.. need..
Normie: Come on tell me quick, what you need just take it!
Ben: I need.. to go take a leak.
Normie: ...
Ben: (Big smile)
Normie: YOU ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD, YOU KNOW THAT?!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Getting Ready For Prom Night

This Friday I am going to attend my very first prom night. Yes folks, I am 21 and I've never been to a prom night. Now before you guys cast me off to loserville, I must tell you all that I spent 19 years in the small town of Tawau. A town where a woman licking ice-cream in public is as good as a five-star porn movie. A town where slight physical contact with the opposite sex is as good as having wild orgasmic sex with them then having 12 babies soon after.

So you could imagine what prom night, where male and female freely mix around, is like to this conservative town I lived in. So when our faculty seniors announced that they were going to organise a prom night together with the education faculty, I was understandably elated.

Ben: Prom night! Wuuuuhuuu! I can see it now; Simple Plan playing on stage, free-flowing alcohol, slutty sophomore girls with their skanky dresses, and boys and girls kissing and making love EVERYWHERE!!
Normie: You watch way too much MTV.

First thing's first, we each had to pick out an outfit to wear. The theme was 'freestyle' meaning anything goes. Adrian thought it would be cool if we exploited the theme by dressing up as superheroes, every one of us. Kim wanted to be Spiderman and Normie always dreamed of being Naruto. Adrian wanted to be the Hulk because he thought it would be cool to paint himself green and rip a tight-fitting shirt every minute during the party. I just thought it was expensive. Me, I wanted to be Cicakman. I just did.

But not wanting the memory of (what could be) my first and last prom night to be in a screwed up justice league, I begged them not to follow through with their idea. So today, we went to City Square and Tebrau City to get some proper prom outfits. The guys surveyed every branded apparel store (Esprit, Guess, Topman, etc.) and I couldn't help but gawk at the price of their apparels. RM200 for a shirt?! As you can tell, I am the type who doesn't believe in owning ANY apparel which is worth more than RM20, before discount.

I was searching high and low for an affordable pair of pants but each shop that I go into, I always come out empty-handed. I just couldn't bring myself to spend RM200 on a pair of pants. Then I finally found one in G2000:

(In the G2000 store)
Ben: RM99 for a pair of pants! It's the cheapest one in this whole shopping mall!
Kim: Ben..
Ben: Hey! Service! Yeah, I want this pants in size 32.
Saleswoman: But the biggest we have is a size 30.
Ben: That's silly. I have the waist of an average man and you don't even have a size for me?!
Saleswoman: Well sir, that's because the pair of pants in this section is meant for WOMEN.
Ben: Oh.
Saleswoman: Unless of course, you're a fat woman. For that may I suggest Lane Bryant.
Kim: This is gold.

That's what happens when you're so used to shopping in supermarkets where the entire floor is dedicated to only ONE gender. Anyway, we spent 6 tiring hours shopping for our outfits and thankfully, all of us got what we wanted. I hope I won't have to do this again anytime soon.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Leaving Undergrads Idle In Class

When class started today, our lecturer went around to check whether all of us have done her homework. Those who failed to do so would get a severe dominatrix-like beating, with a 15cm plastic ruler. Yeah, only in UTM folks. Anyway while we were waiting for her to inspect on our work, we got bored and started toying around.

Normie attempted to solve the last question of the text book because according to him, the toughest question should be on the last page. If he was able to solve it, it meant that he could demand an A from the lecturer right then and there. Don't look at me, HE said that. Unfortunately, when he finally flipped to the last page, there it was staring back at him, a blank page. He then fixed his eyes on the lecturer from afar and whispered sinisterly to himself, "You win again Ms. Lecturer".

Kim miss called everyone on his phone book to "remind people of his existence". Adrian said the freezing air conditioner in the class made his dick hard. That's when he started making mechanical noises while moving his member around his pants. He made me watch. I have weird friends.

I also got bored waiting and started to mess around with my scientific calculator. I spelt every obscene word that I know and showed each of them to Kim who was sitting beside me. He thought it was cool. I knew he would. At one point, I tried spelling 'boobies' but I could only reach as far as 'boobie'. I was determined to find the 's' so I scrutinised every single keypad on my calculator. I was also afraid the lecturer might catch me so I hid my calculator below my desk and continued my arduous search. That's when the lecturer noticed me:

Lecturer: YOU!
Ben: Huh? Me?
Lecturer: Why are you staring at your crotch?!
Class: HAHAHAHAHA!!
Ben's Dignity: Ok boys let's pack it up.

Class was boring as usual. I mean how exciting can a statistics class be, right? There's even a point where everyone in the class just blurred off:

Lecturer (lecturing): In a discrete probability distribution if it's [more than] 1, we can also write it as [more than or equals to] 2.
Class: ...
Lecturer: Ok here's another example, if it's [more than] 20, we can write it as one minus [less than] 19.
Class: ...
Lecturer: Come on class! More-less, more-less. It's all very easy.
Class: ...

That's when the lecturer threw a fit and started screaming erratically,

Lecturer: MORE-LESS! MORELESS! MOLEST! I'M SURE YOU ALL HAVE LEARNED ABOUT MOLEST IN PRIMARY SCHOOL!

I swear I heard a few students in the class break down and cry. All in all, a good way to start the day.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Me Meat Eater

When sometimes one of us are busy or just plain lazy to go to lunch or dinner with us, we would usually buy home or 'tapau' economy rice for that person. Economy rice of course is a basically a buffet minus the 'all you can eat for a fee' part. You pick the food then you pay according to how much you've taken. Sounds simple? Yeah. But not when you're doing it for other people.

"What should I get him? Does he eat this vegetable? Can he eat beef? Is this too expensive?"

Sometimes it's so stressful picking out dishes for your friend, it isn't even worth it. So yesterday when Kim had to stay home to finish up a project, everyone who went out for dinner was understandably reluctant to buy Kim's dinner. But since we were sort of in a rush, I quickly offered to do it. Folks, it's never a good thing to have a meat-eater pick out your food:

(Back home after we've had our dinner)
Ben: Here's your food.
Kim: WHY ARE THERE ONLY MEAT IN THIS?!
Ben: I didn't know what to get you so I picked the food I would take for myself.
Kim: Fried chicken, steamed ham, minced pork and barbequed duck. It's like shoving constipation down my throat. And what is this?
Ben: That's grilled chicken.
Kim: You got me two types of chicken?!
Ben: I always take two or more types of chicken for myself.
Kim: But why?
Ben: Hey I've seen you pick SO MANY types of vegetables in one dish before; broccoli, cabbage, ladyfingers. I don't see a problem with me taking only TWO types of chicken.
Kim: You just implied that 'chicken' is a food group.
Ben: It isn't?

Friday, January 05, 2007

That McD Queue

(While queuing up at McD, we got bored and let our eyes wander)
Adrian: Hey lookie there.
Ben: Where?
Adrian: 9 o' clock, red shirt.
Ben: Oh yeah, I see her. Dude she's hot!
Adrian: Yeah I know. Would you just look at the curves on that body.
Ben: And she has huge boobies!
Adrian: Boobies!

As our conversation was about to enter the 'where would you do her?' zone, we suddenly heard a really loud gasp coming from behind. And when we turned to look, we saw a really nervous girl RUNNING out of McD. It was then we realised that we were so engrossed in our booby discussion that we failed acknowledge the presence of a young girl queuing right behind us.

She was apparently eavesdropping on our 'man-talk' and got (very) scared. I don't understand. If I heard two girls chatting about whether they'd screw a guy or not, I would have given that conversation my fullest attention. I would take notes! Maybe it'd even help solve the age-old question of what women want.

Anyway, it was finally Adrian's turn to order and to my surprise, he ordered a take-away:

Ben: Hey, I thought we decided on eating in.
Adrian: And we are.
Ben: Then why did you order a take-away?!
Adrian: This way, they'll give me some sauce packets. You don't get sauce packets if you order in.
Ben: I can't believe you. You didn't order any drinks?
Adrian: Oh right I forgot. [Talks to the McD guy] "Hey I might get a little thirsty from waiting for my take out order. Can I have a small cup of coke?"
Ben: ...
Adrian: There, all taken care of.
Ben: You are like, the cheapest friend ever.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Calculator Showdown

Building the paper chair is taking up a lot of our time but I must say it's the most 'engineer' thing I've done in the 1 and a half year I'm here in UTM. I'm saying this because all I've basically learnt since coming here is calculate forces left and right but never really applied them practically. This project allowed me to do so and I could never be happier.

So the story starts here. In order to minimise material usage, we needed to get the area of the smallest stool we could find and the only place to find such stool is at the local coffee shops. I was excited. I thought it would be really cool to finally bring my mad engineering skillz outdoors (I am such a dork). But like we've always been taught, things always seem better in theory.

(In a crowded coffee shop having dinner)
Ben: This stool is just wide enough to hold me.
Kim: Hm, I think it's about 30cm.
Ben: Only one way to find out. (takes out a ruler)
Kim: ...
Ben: (intently measuring the stool)
Kim: Put that thing away man, people are staring!
Ben: (takes out a calculator)
Kim: You brought a calculator too?!
Ben: (ignores Kim. continues calculating)

Suddenly, Ben felt a light tap on his shoulders. When he turns around to check, there they were; a group of 5 youngsters each holding the latest Casio FX260 Scientific Calculator. Ben's was the 4 year old FX570MS.

Group leader: How dare you step into our territory and calculate!
Ben: So you think you're so tough with your new gizmo there, huh?
Kim: This is not happening.
Ben: In the calculation world, it's 20% calculator and 80% user. And you my friend, clearly have no game.
Group leader: How dare you.. I challenge you to a calculation duel!

The group leader and Ben simultaneously point their calculator at each other and start calculating each other's height, weight, waist line, etc with tremendous haste. Unfortunately halfway through, Ben's calculator ran out of battery.

Group leader: Muahahahahahaha!! Looks like your 20% failed you!
Ben: This.. cannot.. be..
Kim: Ben, stop playing with those kids and eat your dinner. This is embarrassing.
Group leader: (snatches Ben's calculator and holds it triumphantly up in the air) VICTORY!
Ben: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Kim: Ok that's it, I'm moving tables.

The point is, I look pretty much like a dork with my ruler and calculator in that coffee shop.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Lazy Ass Engineers

First week of the semester and already we've been given a tough assignment. The lecturer was obviously very unforgiving. He went into our class, sat himself down and blurted, "I am Dr. XXX. Please split into a group of 2-3 and build me a chair out of manila paper without any use of adhesive. The chair must be able to support 150kg. You all have 2 weeks, class dismissed."

We all fixed our eyes on him as he walked out the class, hoping he'd give us more information or at least a hint. When he finally disappeared from the class, our stare turned to each other but again no one said a word. After a brief moment of silence, our brightest engineering student came up with an idea:

(In the class)
Normie: Chicken pox.
Ben: Huh?
Normie: Chicken pox would last for at least two weeks.
Ben: Oooh...

Normie: Don't you dare.
Ben: (Dashes out of the class)

So after an hour searching for a chicken pox infected student around the faculty, I finally gave up and decided to actually do the assignment. I teamed up with CK and Kim while Normie and Adrian formed their own group. Actually with enough research, the idea of a paper chair isn't so impossible.

Now here's the other problem. Since the five of us live so close to each other, we kept picking on each other's idea. I fear that in the end, both our paper chair product would look too much alike. So this meant we have to be more creative and try to separate our product from Normie and Adrians':

(Looking at both our finished products)
Ben: Our lecturer would know right away that we copied from each other. Heck even the shape of our paper chair is exactly the same. Theirs' is "U" shaped and so is ours.
Kim: Ours isn't "U" shaped.
Ben: It isn't?
Kim: Ours is "C" shaped.
Ben: ...

Let's just hope our lecturer who has 20 years of teaching experience, buys that.

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