Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Self Conscious Dad

(On the walk back to the car)
Mom: Stop.
Dad: What now?
Mum: I have to go pee.
Dad: The ride back home is only 10 minutes. Can't you hold it in?
Mum: No, I can't. Hold my umbrella. *walks into KFC*
Ben: I don't think I'll be eating at KFC anytime soon.
Dad: I look like a tranny holding your mum's huge red umbrella.

(Feon walks by)
Ben: Eh?
Feon: Eh?
Ben: Hello.
Feon: Hi. *Walks by*


Dad: Who's that?
Ben: A blogger friend.
Dad: ...
Ben: ...
Dad: I can't take it anymore! Hold this friggin' umbrella!

It's weird to bump into another blogger.. especially with our my parents around.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

My Folks Should Be In A Play

(On our way home from lunch)
Mum: Son, you should get out more, go shopping, watch a movie, anything.
Dad: Who is he gonna do those stuff with? He obviously has no friends in the city.
Mum: Come to think of it, you're right! Son, why are you so anti-social?
Dad: He is not anti-social la. He is just enjoying life.
Mum: Who enjoys living like a pig, eating and sleeping every single day?
Dad: Look at me, I'm jobless right now and I'm enjoying it.
Mum: No, you don't.
Dad: Yes, I do.
Mum: You should get a job already! We need MONEY!
Dad: We are doing just fine!
Mum: We're having vegetarian tonight!
Dad: Don't you dare woman!
Ben: ...

Do you ever wonder what your parents talk about when you're actually NOT in the car?

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Back On The Map

I would like to thank Eve for saving me yesterday from absolutely disappearing from the face of the earth. Before that, I was actually 3 weeks into my social slump; No face to face talks, no phone calls (except for once when Beve called :D) and of course, no msn. It was so bad, I was starting to think that I'm socialising just by LOOKING at someone else.

So yeah, Eve was back in the city for the weekend so that's when she SMSed me to ask me out for a drink. I was reluctant at first because, well, for obvious reasons:

(At a coffeshop)
Eve: So how are you?
Ben: [OMG, I don't know the answer to that!]
Eve: Ben?
Ben: Wait. The question, is it multiple choice?

I feared that I might've lost ALL of my social skills. Thankfully, it wasn't that bad. But what was supposed to be a quiet drink at a local bar turned out to be a huge club outing. I was introduced to Mabel, Eve's childhood friend. Now, she's hot but what's even hotter is her car!! So what if it's a normal looking Honda CRV? It's a normal looking Honda CRV with A FUCKING GPS SYSTEM!

All the while, I just couldn't tear myself off the map-screen thingy. I even got a rush everytime the machine gives out orders like, "Turn left after 1.5km, turn right after 500m" and of course my personal favourite, "Turn left and immediately turn right". ... I gotta stop acting like I'm from Tawau.

Now about the club we went to, it's not a very good club. That's what I thought anyway. They played a terrible mix of english oldies, contemporary chinese, and thai music. Yes, thai music. And true to my nature, I actually found all of that rather amusing:

(The song "Can't take my eyes off you" comes on)
Mabel: Why?
Ben: Who knows when they're going to play another English song! DANCE!!

The night was actually improving as it goes on. Good. I'm getting drunk. So as we were wiggling around, the music suddenly stopped. It was a RAID!! Ok, call me crazy but I was actually excited that the cops came because:

1. I've never been raided.
2. It was a Thai music playing.

I expected a lot of drama to go on like in those Hong Kong movies:

(What-I-expected scene)
Officer: Stop the music! Don't nobody try to exit this building! Azam you take the back exit, Lee you take the rear exit and Rashid, you bring team 1 and 2 to search for any hidden passageways!
Other officers: YES, SIR!
Officer: Hey, you! Where do you think you're going?!
Patron: I am going to the toilet.
Officer: You stupid cocky bastard. Beat him up and throw him into the van!!
Patron: Here's RM50.
Officer: Let him go!!

Ah well, a man can dream, can't he? This was what actually happened:

(What-actually-happened scene)
Loudspeaker: Patrons of this club, the police are here. Please give them your IC. You will get them back as you exit the club.
Patrons: [Ignores]
Loudspeaker: Please co-operate.
Patrons: [Ignores]
Loudspeaker: Pretty pleeeeassseee.

The night was cut short but I don't mind. It's still the best time I've had since I got back here. On our way back home from mamak session, we got to witness 3 different types of car accidents too. Uber cool. I would like to thank Alvin, Jason, Boon Ping, and Vaashant for getting us into the VIP area, Eve for having me as company and of course Mabel, for having me in her cool car. I will steal it.

Update: I appeared on the local news. It was about the 50 bouncer raid thingy. Heheh! But it was a bit too quick though.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Fight The Fat

I am proud of myself. For the past week, I have been to the gym every single day. Contrary to popular belief, I do not go to the gym just to play with the dumbells by placing it on a working treadmill and try to keep it rolling on the platform for as long as possible. That's silly. Tip: Roll it first, do not start it in stationery.

What, you ask, did this new found will to hit the weights every single day stem from? I mean, I DO go to the gym 2-3 times a week back in Skudai, so I thought my body shape should have improved since my last trip back to KL. IT REALLY DID! But as usual, I was wrong:

Sem break, day 1: Arriving at my parent's house.
Ben: I'm home.
Mum: Wow, you are so fat.
Ben: Nice to see you too.

Sem break, day 3: Meeting the relatives.
Ben: Hello uncle.
Uncle: Wow, you look good.
Ben: Thanks, uncle [YEEEESSSS!!].
Uncle: I'm talking to your sister.
Ben: Oh [NOOOOOOO!!].

Sem break, day 13: Redang Island trip.
Ben: *takes shirt off*
Kim: Uh, it wiggles.
Ben: *puts shirt back on*

So yeah, everyday the same routine; 1 hour of cycling followed by 30 minutes of weight training. If that still doesn't work then screw it, I'm just gonna get me a new best friend who is morbidly obese and make him follow me around wherever I go:

(Brings the obese friend to a relative meet)
Ben: Hello uncle, meet my friend.
Uncle: Wow you're fat!
Ben: Haha, uncle, you can't say that to a person you just met.
Uncle: I meant YOU. You are fat!
Ben: But he *points* is fatter.
Uncle: No, he is obese. He is sick, he should be pitied. You.. are still fat.

I don't know why everything I plan backfires.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Something For The Weekend

I think I should get a bigger wheel for my hamster.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I Hate Adults

I always feel uneasy whenever I meet my elder relatives or friends of the parents. I don't know, I guess I'm still not that good with adults yet. Ironic, in a way because after years of analysing and studying them, I have come to fully understand their speech pattern (with youngsters). They are so predictable, it's like they were all handed a book entitled, "5 Easy Steps To Communicate With The Younger Generation" when they hit 30:

(1. Greet them with physical pain.)
Ben: Hello uncle.
Adult: BEN!! *hard smack*

(2. Acknowledge the fact that they are not midgets.)
Adult: You have grown taller!
Ben: You just met me a week ago.
Adult: I mean compared with your 5 year old self. YOU ARE SO TALLl!

(3. Please study the BMI table. They will appreciate it.)
Adult: *staring*
Ben: ... yes, uncle?
Adult: You are fat.

(4. Just facts, no details.)
Adult: Study?
Ben: A lot.
Adult: Play?
Ben: A few.
Adult: Friends?
Ben: Some.
Adult: Girlfriend?
Ben: None.
Adult: It's like I've known you forever.

(5. Ok that's enough. End the conversation.)
Ben: So uncle..
Adult: Look! Teletubbies!! Go and watch while I talk to your father, ok?

I'm not good with adults? Sometimes I think it's the other way round.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

My Redang Trip (2/2)

We overslept. The plan was to wake up and watch the sunrise together but seeing as that most of us were exhausted from yesterday's activities, we extended our bed time till 9am. What a waste, would've been quite a sight.

Anyway, today's main activity was *drumrolls* yes you guessed it! SNORKELLING.. AGAIN! But they promised us a different experience this time around. Instead of just coral watching, in this trip, we will actually get to feed the fishes! Now here's the problem, we didn't know we were actually going to feed the fishes until we got there. The activity was called fish watching, so we assumed that we were going to just, well, look at fishes.

Now this would be great if you are fish enthusiasts like these guy:

(Fish passes by)
Fish Enthusiast 1: Oh my god mate, did you see that?! That's a parrot fish!
Fish Enthusiast 2: I know! I know!
Fish Enthusiast 1: It's so beautiful! Look at its colour, they're never the same for every parrot fish.
Fish Enthusiast 2: And the face! It's exactly like a parrot!

But of course, we are not one of them:

(Fish passes by)
Ben: Check out that fish.
Kim: Yeah I saw it.
Ben: What do you think?
Kim: Fried.
Ben: Nah, I think I like it better steamed.

So after 10 minutes of coming up with our very own seafood menu, we got bored and noticed that some of the snorkelers brought bread along the trip to feed the fishes. It looked like fun. We wanted bread to feed the fished too:

(While snorkelling)
Kim: I wanna feed the fishes.
Ben: But we didn't bring our own bread.
Kim: No worries, there's so many bits and pieces of bread floating around for us to use.
Ben: I hate picking up tiny leftovers.
Kim: So what do you suggest we do?

(Ben sees an elderly man standing at the shores, throwing huge chunks of bread into the sea. Ben waits until the man is not looking and then quickly dives in to grab the bread from underneath)

Ben: There! *waves the stolen bread* A huge chunk of bread!
Kim: ...
Ben: What?
Kim: (Swims away)

In my defense, the elderly man threw the bread too close to the shore. Obviously, no fish is going to eat it so I'm actually helping the old man by bringing his bread further away from shore. Don't judge me.

Anyway, feeding the fishes was so much fun. Yeah it was a little scary at first because as soon as you let go of the little piece of bread underwater, schools of fishes will come racing near you to fight for the piece. Once you get used to it though, you can't help but be mesmerised by the different colours of the fishes that's circling around you as they wait for you to feed them.

The after activity this time was more relaxing compared to yesterday's banana boat ride. Since we were too lazy to go back to our rooms and take off our lifejackets, we decided to spend what's left of the evening just floating around near shore and chit chatting about rubbish. At one point, the little talk broke out into a playful fight where we started flinging chunks of wet sand at each other. Good times.

Night time. What better way to end the whole trip by clubbing beside the beach; on the sand, underneath the stars, accompanied by great music. Just amazing. I love you Redang! In case you miss the links to the pictures, they're here.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

My Redang Trip (1/2)

Ok before I begin, I have a confession. I only took 2 pictures with my own camera throughout the entire trip. Wait, I can explain:

(At the beach)
York: We're going to play in the water.
Ben: You guys go ahead. I'm gonna take A LOT of pictures! *snaps picture of the sea* *snaps picture of the sand*

-Battery dies-

York: Spare batteries?
Ben: Forgot to bring.
York: Battery charger?
Ben: Forgot to bring.
York: Handphone charger?
Ben: What does that have anything to do with the camera?
York: ...
Ben: Also forgot to bring.
York: You are beyond hopeless.

So there, two measly pictures of the most beautiful island in Malaysia. Fortunately, York brought his own camera (and handphone charger) so there will still be pictures of the trip! Click here for them.

Day One: When we arrived at the island, we were immediately captivated by its beauty. All we could think about after getting out of the speedboat was to quickly get rid of our bags and dip right into the waters. When the tides came in, you could actually see how the sand at the bottom of the water is being swept off the ground. The waters there were THAT clear!

After lunch, we suited up in our lifejackets and masks and prepared ourselves for one of Redang's famed must-do activities, SNORKELLING! It was my first time and it certainly did not disappoint. The corals, the fishes, were all gorgeous! CK though, was a little apprehensive about the whole idea of jumping off a tiny boat in the middle of the sea.

(On the way to the snorkelling site)
CK: We are going to die.
Ben: You are overeacting.
CK: We are going to jump off the boat and sink to the bottom of the sea.
Ben: We have lifejackets.
CK: The waves are going to drift us far away from the boat.
Ben: There are 9 lifeguards tagging along.
CK: The corals will cut our feet and the sharks are going come and eat us.
Ben: There are no sharks.

Lifeguard: Ok guys, if you're really lucky, you people will get to see a shark!
Everyone: Yay!!

Ben & CK: We are going to die.

Understandably, CK was extra cautious in waters:

Normie: (Jumps off the boat) ... *looks behind*
CK: Hello.
Normie: CK, what are you doing?
CK: I'm holding on to your lifejacket.
Normie: May I ask why?
CK: No you may not.
Normie: ...
CK: ...
Normie: CK, now you're hugging me.
CK: I love you?

Snorkelling was immediately followed by an exhilarating banana boat ride. Again, my first time and again, it did not disappoint. The real idea behind the banana boat ride is actually quite interesting. Throughout the ride, the boatman will try his best to throw us off the banana boat by making hard turns and we, the riders, have to try our best to stay on it. We fell off 3 times in 10 minutes, not bad I suppose.

At night, we decided to slow down the pace by taking a leisurely walk to the other side of the island. At one point, the stars looked so beautiful that we each had to look for a beach bench to layback on and just stare at the skies. What a way to end day one in Redang.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Why I Quit Teaching

(While surfing the net)
Bernice: Bennie boy.
Ben: Hm?
Bernice: What is the difference between a slut and a prostitute?
Ben: A prostitute is definitely a slut but a slut isn't definitely a prostitute.
Bernice: Oh, I learned that in school before.
Ben: You did?
Bernice: Yeah in science. Water is definitely liquid but liquid isn't definitely water.
Ben: Oh.


Bernice: Bennie boy.
Ben: Hm?
Bernice: What is anal sex?
Ben: (Spills drink) What are you reading?!
Bernice: Some blog. So what does it mean?
Ben: Anal sex is er... something that sounds good in theory but not often practiced in real life.
Bernice: Oh, I learned that in school too!
Ben: Really?
Bernice: Yeah. Pendidikan Moral.

I am going on an island getaway! Will be back in 3 days, with pictures of course.

Friday, May 04, 2007

I Met Reshmonu In The Gym

"Reshmonu lives downstairs!" I always thought that my sister was kidding when she tells me that. Come on, it's Reshmonu! What is he doing living at the lower floor of a second class condo like ours?! I mean, he's a huge Malaysian pop star who produced gems like.. er..


Ok I know the man sang some really great songs last time but for some reasons, I couldn't find anything on google. Man you know you're way past a sophomore slump when google can't even find your old hits. Anyway, today I was proven wrong! ... about him living downstairs.. not about his slow demise in the local music scene.

(In the gym. No, seriously.)
Ben: Quit it la. Reshmonu does not live here.
Bernice: OMG!! Ok ok ok, everyone act natural! *panickly looks around* Bennie boy, get off the cycling machine! I wanna use!
Ben: No.
Bernice: Aaarghh, this will have to do. *bench presses 60kg of weights*
Ben: You should lessen the weight.

(Reshmonu enters)

Ben: [GASP, It IS Reshmonu!]
Reshmonu: [Smiles]
Ben: [OMFG he smiled at me! What the hell should I do now?!]

(Ben's brain meeting commences)

Extrovert Ben: I think you should go up to him, shake his hands and tell him how much of a fan you are.
Introvert Ben: I don't think you should bother him while he's working out.
Extrovert Ben: Well at least smile. Every star would appreciate a little recognition.
Introvert Ben: Ok fine, just one smile.
Gay Ben: You should try to caress his large, gargantuan muscles. Mmm, look at them pex.
Extrovert Ben: [Whispers to Introvert Ben] Psst, what is he doing here?
Gay Ben: Hey there Introvert Ben~
Introvert Ben: Hello~
Extrovert Ben: ... YOU GUYS HAD SEX!!

(Ben's brain meeting ends, disturbingly)

Anyway, I actually wanted to say something along the lines of, "Hey Reshmonu!" but I ended just smiling back. Didn't know the meaning of 'star struck' until today.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Back And Bored

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