Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Chance To Get A Girlfriend, Reduced

Being the weirdo I am, I love doing things that make people go, "What the hell is wrong with you?!" It's fun seeing their faces turn all disgusted-like and trying hard to figure out, well, exactly what the hell is wrong with me. For example:

(During class)
Ben: Hey, check this out.
Normie: What?
Ben: [Uncaps his correction pen, puts the tip into one of his nostrils and inhales deeply] Aaaaah~ I think I saw God.
Normie: ...
Ben: You can't have any.
Normie: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Today when our lecturer started class, we were all asked to move to the front of the class. Now, I remembered vividly that Kim was sitting right behind me AND he was wearing a white t-shirt.

So when everyone got up to move, I just sat there waiting for my chance. Finally, when the white t-shirt finally got close enough, I gave him a little nudge then proceeded to scratch my balls. Hahahaha! He is gonna freak! When I looked up hoping to catch a glimpse of his probably grossed out face, to my horror, THE PERSON IN WHITE WASN'T KIM. It was:

Ben: SITI?!
Siti: (Horrified look)
Ben: Bukan.. tadi ada lalat situ.
Siti: (Speedwalks to the front. Sits down with her girlfriends. Whispers while pointing at me.)
Ben: NOOOOOooooOOOooo!!

Knowing how women spread gossip, four years of singlehood seems more imminent.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Gym Ra(n)t

No more hot hot chicken shit:

Gym Ra(n)t

Side Note: Join Nuffnang and support Boss Stewie!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Recovering From CNY

After 2 weeks of enjoying the CNY holidays, it's never easy for anyone to revert back to their hardworking university undergrad self in just one day:

(In the lecture hall)
Adrian: I miss the holidays.
Ben: Oh well, time to switch back to study mode.
Adrian: OMG, what is that?!
Ben: This is our test marks.
Adrian: OMG, what is that?!
Ben: This is our holiday assignments.
Adrian: OMG, what is that?!
Ben: This is the text book our lecturer told us to buy during the holidays.
Adrian: OMG, what is.. *GASPS* what is THAT?!
Ben: That.. is our lecturer.
Adrian: Nooooooooo!!

I miss the holidays too.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

UTM Life Resumes

I've never heard myself sigh a louder sigh when my commuter finally reached its final destination, Seremban. Kim is already waiting for me in his car outside the KTM station. We're gonna have lunch and then take that deplorable journey back to UTM together.

Back in KL, all I've been doing is bumming around, eating and sleeping. I gained 5kg. That's how much I enjoyed myself back home. Aaargh! Just the thought of washing my own clothes and cleaning up after myself again is enough to make our McD lunch taste like McShit.. not that I've tasted it or anything. Bet it would taste something like, well, shit. That's not very tasty.

Heavy pampering isn't the only thing I'll miss about being in KL:

(While having lunch at McDs, Jusco Seremban)
Ben: *Looks around*
Kim: What are you looking at?
Ben: Chicks.
Kim: Stop it. You look like a pervert.
Ben: You do KNOW where we're going after this, right? We are going back to Skudai.
Kim: So?
Ben: Universiti Teknologi Malaysia.
Kim: ...
Ben: Mechanical Engineering Faculty.
Kim: *Turns to look around with Ben* Check out the chick in blue!

Sigh. Here I am, back in Skudai.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Strip Mahjong

It's always fun when the cousins are all gathered for a gambling session, especially when you're not the one gambling. Kimberley is one of my cousins and Bernice is my baby sister:

(While they were playing mahjong)
Ben: Kimberley has tung, nan, xi, pei, hong zhong...
Kimberley: WOI!
Ben: Heheh.
Kimberley: What are you laughing at?! I pull your pants down then you know!
Ben: ... You come pull la. See who rugi.
Kimberley: Of course it would be you!
Ben: If you exposed my johnson, it'll just be getting a breath of fresh air meanwhile you..

Bernice: (Interrupts) will suffer from nights of sleeplessness.
Kimberley: ...
Bernice: I'm just saying, don't do it. Just.. don't.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Ben The Conman

(While waiting for our Thermo lecturer)
Adrian: I'm bored.
Ben: Let's bet.
Adrian: Bet on what?
Ben: The colour of the tudung our thermo lecturer is gonna wear to class.
Adrian: You saw her today already, didn't you?
Ben: No, I swear!

(Adrian thinking)

Adrian: I heard you did badly in your Thermo test.
Ben: No way! I just asked the thermo lecturer about our test marks and she said she hasn't even begun marking yet! You liar!
Adrian: ...
Ben: What?
Adrian: Nothing.
Ben: So you wanna bet or not?

It took me the entire Thermo period to figure out my mistake.

Side note: Ooops. Seems that I've given the wrong impression that I'm already back in UTM. Nah, it's just something that happened a few days before our mid term break, thought it would be nice to share. I'm actually in Sungai Petani right now visiting my maternal side relatives. Will be back in KL tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Relatively Strangers

This is what happens when you've been living in Sabah for 19 years and in that time span, rarely flew back to West Malaysia to visit your blood relatives. Sometimes I wish my Dad could've decided to migrate to West Malaysia earlier:

Relatively Strangers

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Happy Chinese New Year

(In the living room)
Dad: Why do you keep listening to those Chinese New Year music?
Mum: Because it IS the Chinese New Year!
Dad: Well I don't like it. Change the channel.
Mum: [Click. My Chemical Romance - Black Parade on MTV.]
Dad: Good. English music is much better. Let's eat.

(At the dinner table)
Dad: Real men drink wine.
Ben: But the wine smells horrible.
Dad: You drink beer.
Ben: It's different.
Dad: They are both alcohol. It's the same.
Ben: Fine, I'll take a sip. [takes a sip]
Dad: So how is it?
Ben: YUCK!!

Mum: Put the handphone away!
Jo: Wait wait, last message.
Mum: We're having a family dinner, put that handphone away.
Jo: Fine.
(Handphone rings)
Jo: Mum, I think that's yours.
Mum: (Picks up the phone) Hello? Ah ya ya! Gong Xi Fa Cai! So how's everyone there? Ya I can chat now. Don't worry, I'm not doing anything.
Jo: Hm.

Bernice: Bennie, pass me the bowl.
Ben: No.
Bernice: Pass it to me!
Ben: No.
Bernice: Daddy, you see this Bennie!
Dad: Bernice, get the bowl yourself. Your brother is learning to drink wine.

So that was my Chinese New Year Eve dinner; Mum chit-chatting on the phone, Dad being so close to shoving the glass of wine down my throat, Jo continuing her SMSing and Bernice being the only one concentrating on eating. All this while Black Parade is playing in the background.

Not the most perfect of pictures but I ain't complaining :D Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

Chicks Won't Dig Ghost Rider

Yesterday, my sisters and I went to Midvalley to catch a movie. The queue was insanely long (as usual) so that left us plenty of time to decide on what movie to watch:

(In the queue)
Ben: Let's watch Ghost Rider.
Jo: Isn't that a horror movie?
Ben: No it isn't. It's one of those superhero stories like Batman, Superman and Spiderman.
Jo: My friend who already saw the movie SMSed me. She said, "Watch out for the parts when the villain suddenly appears."
Ben: ...
Jo: Can't we watch something else? I wanna watch The Holiday.
Ben: We are not paying RM11 each to watch a sappy love movie. People go to cinemas for the special effects!
Jo: But.. but.. there's Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz!
Ben: Screw them.
Jo: You wish.
Ben: Ok listen, Ghost Rider is a fairly new movie and chances are the tickets would be sold out by the time it's our turn. If that happens, THEN we'll watch The Holiday.
Jo: Yay!

When it came to our turn, the Ghost Rider still had 12 seats left. Lucky us:

(In the cinema. Movie starts.)
Jo: This is a mistake.
Ben: Just sit back and enjoy the movie.

(Camera zooms into a character and for a quick moment, reveals its ugly demonic face and ROARED. Everyone in the cinema jolted.)

Ben: Haha. So this was the scene your friend was talking about? [Looks at Jo]
Jo: [Hands covering the eyes]
Ben: So this is how you're gonna be for the entire movie?
Jo: No, that would be silly. I'll only hide behind my hands when the villain appears.
Ben: Jo, that is the hero.
Jo: But it's a skull engulfed in flames!
Ben: Yes it is.
Jo: This is just great.

By the end of it all, she said that the movie didn't have enough fight scenes.. and her left thumb is bigger than her right.

Friday, February 16, 2007

I Love Valentines Day

I'm being sarcastic, of course. I know this is a bit overdue but.. sixth podcast babe:

I Love Valentines Day

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Women & Arguments

(At a Chinese restaurant)
Ben: Mmm. It's been a while since I've eaten fish.
Bernice: It's sad that you find everything here new.
Ben: J'aime manger des poissons.
Bernice: ...
Ben: How's that for something new?
Bernice: So you can speak a little French, big deal.
Ben: Vous êtes un idiot.
Bernice: Stop it.
Ben: Je vous ai appelé un imbécile.
Bernice: I mean it.
Ben: Non? Oui? Non? Oui?
Bernice: Aaaargh, shut up you.. you ULUKAPATA!
Ben: ... What does that mean?
Bernice: Not gonna tell you.
Ben: Like I care.

(Later that night)

Ben: 'Ulu' means old.. so what does 'kapata' mean? Hm.... WHAT THE HELL DOES ULUKAPATA MEAN?!

I think it's Tamil, someone please help. Anyway, that's the power the opposite sex have over words. It doesn't matter how many sentences you berate them with, all they need to do is just say that one short, nonsensical word, and you're a goner:

(Argument between a guy & girl)
Guy: I come home from a stressful 9 to 5 job everyday! Of course, I expect you to at least pamper a little! But you never do! YOU NEVER DO! I come home and all you do is nag, nag, NAG!
Girl: ...
Guy: Well what do you have to say for yourself?
Girl: Duck. (walks away)
Guy: What, that's it?! THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY?

(Later that night)

Guy: She poisoned the duck. I had duck a week ago. I'm gonna die.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Blood & Valentines Day

My 5th podcast. I didn't abandon this project.. yet. Yay!

Blood & Valentines Day

Monday, February 12, 2007

I Don't Stereotype Women

I went shopping with my mom and little sis yesterday at Midvalley to get some clothes for the Chinese new year. Fun time with the family:

(At Ayamas, having lunch)
Ben: (Facing the entrance, staring at the hoards of people passing by)
Bernice: You look like a jakun. Stop staring.
Mom: I'm going to the toilet.
Ben: Looking at the many KL chicks passing by, I have come to one conclusion about them.
Bernice: And what conclusion might that be, oh great one?
Ben: KL chicks wear lots of make-up.
Bernice: It is so typical of you to stereotype women.
Ben: No I don't.
Bernice: Yes you do.

(Continues eating)

Mom: (Returns while lugging four bags of CNY biscuit)
Bernice: Mom, I thought you went to the toilet?!
Mom: I did. Then on my way there, I saw this word 'SALE' and I just had to buy them. Four for RM24, SO CHEAP! Bernice, I also saw the cutest pair of shoes on my way back. Later we go see!
Bernice: Really?! Hurray for shoes!

I swear I try not to. They just make it too easy.

Side note: I went to the Valentines Charity Event with Eve and her buddies yesterday. Reza Salleh rocked the house! Other performances were so-so only la. Anyway, the highlight on the night was when they told us that Laundry Bar donated RM1000 to the cause. Now THAT is cool! Pictures here.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Being A Banana Sucks

I have been living in Skudai (a Mandarin-speaking town) for almost one and a half year. Though I'm no where near able to carry a decent conversation in Mandarin, I have become pretty confident when it comes to ordering my food in the language. Today, that confidence is shattered:

(In a coffeeshop)
Ben: I'm having yee mee, what about you?
York: If I told you, you're gonna have to order it for me.
Ben: No problem.
York: Hah, really?! Hahaha!
York: Ok, let me make it easier for you. I want the exact same thing you're having.
Ben: Grrr.

Now, ordering my food usually involves me just walking to the hawker, telling him/her what I want, how big I want my portion to be, and to leave vegetables out of it. That's it. They always just say, "Ok." and I return to my seat with a huge sense of accomplishment. Not today:

(Ben walks up to the hawker stall. Mandarin in italics.)
Ben: I want two yee mee please. Both of bigger portions.
Hawker: Huh? You want two bowls of yee mee or two portions of yee mee in one bowl?
Ben: [What the hell did she just say?]
Hawker: Well?
Ben: I want two.
Hawker: Two of what?!
Ben: Two.. Two. Two.
Hawker: Maybe you should call a friend over to help you order.
Ben: Two. No vegetables.

York was laughing his ass off as he was rushing over to help me order. The yee mee tasted sour that day.

Side note: Hearts & Lightbulbs Valentines Charity Event. Venue changed to Laundry Bar, The Curve!

Friday, February 09, 2007

I Need To Learn How To Flirt

The Chinese society in our university were having a Chinese culture showcase in conjuction with the coming Chinese New Year celebrations. Think 'pasar malam' where instead of selling food and pirated DVDs, they were showcasing different varities of the Chinese subculture in every stall. Among them were 'Arts & Crafts', 'Games', 'Fengshui', 'Weapons', & Ancient War Tactics'.

It's very educational for bananas like me to attend these type of events:

(At the 'Weapons' section)
Ben: All these ancient weapons are so huge.
Guy: Wu qi you bu tong de sing zhuan he ta siao.
Ben: I only got the word 'different'. Sorry, I don't understand Mandarin. Can you explain it to me in English?
Guy: I.. er.. don't know speak. You read there la. (pointing to the wall where there's 3 pages of translated text entitled, "Senjata Orang Cina".)

It's weird because I thought the main objective of this event was to expose and promote the Chinese culture to outsiders namely undergraduates of other race (and country). Yet, most of the undergrads manning the sections couldn't even speak a decent amount of English.

Notice that I used the word 'most'. Here's what happened, the guys and I were at the fengshui section snooping around:

(The girl manning the section approaches us. Mandarin in italics)
Girl: Hello, welcome to the Fengshui section. What you are looking at are the objects used to represent the fire element. It is..
Ben: (Blank look)
Girl: Do you guys understand mandarin?
Ben: I don't.
Girl: I go get my friend. She can speak English.

In comes the friend, "Hello, I'll be giving you all a brief explanation on the Chinese Fengshui." And she was pretty. The guys quickly excused themselves to let the girl give me a personal tour of the section. It's nice to have thoughtful friends. Anyway, it seems that throughout the tour, she would sway off topic to ask some irrelevant questions:

OtherGirl: May I know which faculty you're from?
Ben: We repair cars.

OG: Are you a Malaysian?
Ben: What?!
OG: Oh.. you look different.

Ben: Different?

OG: Where's your hometown?
Ben: Sabah.
OG: ...
Ben: Don't worry, not all of Sabahans are bananas.
OG: Oh no no that's not what I meant. It's just... (face turns red)

I asked her what she thinks of Lilian Too. Apparently she worships the heck out of that Harvard graduate. She told me that she worked in a fengshui shop before, that's why she knew so much about these stuff. After finishing up the tour, she asked, "Are there anymore questions?" I swear all I heard was, "Ask me for my number. NOW!"

Ben: [Ok Ben, you can do this. Just say you might need her help in this fengshui stuff because you're refurnishing your room this weekend. Be cool but not cold, be suave but not too flirty, be funny but not too clownish.]
OG: ...
Ben: [Maybe it's too cheesy. How about, er...]
OG: ... so are there anymore questions?
Ben: [Wait, wait, I'm coming up with something.]
OG: ...
Ben: [Aaaah screw it. Just ask for her number. She's obviously into you.]
OG: ...
Ben: [OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU'VE BEEN STARING AT HER WITHOUT SAYING A WORD FOR 8 WHOLE SECONDS! Bail! Bail! She probably already thinks you're a freak.]
OG: ...
Ben: I er.. I have to now go. I mean go now! I need to go now. Friends calling.
OG: Ok, I'll see you around. (smile)
Ben: See you. *Turns to sprint away, trips on the carpet, falls face first*

I hate myself.

Side note: Hearts & Lightbulbs Valentines Charity Event. Be there!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Giving Birth Is Arousing

Yesterday, a dog gave birth to 4 little puppies right in front our house. It was fascinating because this is the first time I've ever seen a young puppy. They look like hamsters! This afternoon, Adrian and I found one of the puppies trapped in the drain. Apparently, the young found its way to the edge of the gutter and fell right into it. It is good-deed-doing-time:

Ben: You pick it up.
Adrian: No, YOU pick it up.
Ben: I would but it's all covered in its mother's cum.
Adrian: What?
Ben: It just came out from its mother's vagina, which is filled with those stuff.
Adrian: Dogs or any mammal for that matter, only ejaculate when they're sexually aroused. I can assure you, giving birth to 4 puppies in one go is anything but arousing.
Ben: If you think about it, sex is basically rubbing the sides of a woman's vagina.
Adrian: Yeah, so?
Ben: So giving birth is the same thing! Only instead, the penetration is done in the opposite direction.
Adrian: ...
Ben: And the penetrating object is much larger too.
Adrian: ...
Ben: Chances to hit the G-spot also increases. It's like insta-orgasm every time a female species gives birth to a child. Look at that wet puppy, all covered with its mother's cum. Do you think it swallowed some of it?
Ben: And a lot of cum.

In the end, we asked Kim to help get the puppy out of the gutter. Heh. His hands are filled with the bitch's cum.

Side note: Hearts & Lightbulbs Valentines Charity Event. Be there!

Hearts & Lightbulbs Valentines Charity Event

I received an e-mail today from a reader asking me for a favour to promote this charity event she's organising. I think it's really great what Jasemaine is doing. Not many youngsters her age (including myself) would think twice about helping the less fortunate let alone organising an entire event for them. That's why I'm dedicating this entire post for her noble cause.

It's basically a charity concert performed by independent musicians and local bands where all proceeds and donations will go to the St. Jerome Home in Petaling Jaya. So to those of you who are back (or memang) in KL on the 11th of February, go on over and take a peek. ADMISSION IS FREE! Who knows, maybe you'll really like what you see. Here's their promo flier:

(Click to enlarge!)

Here is more information on the team she assembled to help her organise the event. In case you people don't know where Hartamas Square is, here is a map to the venue. Come on guys, spread the love :D

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Study Rage

Studying too much can make a normal person go crazy. Imagine what it would do to someone like me:

Study Rage

Saturday, February 03, 2007

'P' In Pool

The guys and I went swimming again yesterday. After last week's incident, CK was naturally more cautious. He basically hung around the shallow part of the pool for 2 hours while pestering me with questions like, "Where's the deep part? Are you sure? Are you absolutely positively sure? You liar! Show me!"

Besides attending to CK's new found fear of drowning, I also spent the entire evening doing continuous laps around the pool. In case you all haven't heard, my new found aspiration in life is to have a body like Daniel Craig's. Unlike my previous dreams of becoming an actor, a taekwando black belt, a guitarist or a president of a club, I am pretty sure this won't go down the drain as well. Who am I kidding. I'll give myself a month.

Adrian and Kim were busy learning to swim. Kim got bored of the constant paddling and decided to lighten things up by playing a trick on Adrian:

Kim: I am going to swim underwater and pull Adrian's pants down while he's not looking.
Ben: Dude..
Kim: What?
Ben: DO IT!!

So while Adrian was at the side of the pool resting on his head, Kim quickly dived underwater and swam towards him. When he got close, Kim reached out for the pants but Adrian noticed him and immediately grabbed hold of both Kim's hand and just held him underwater. After a few seconds of struggling, Kim finally broke free and jumped right up for air:

Kim: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Adrian: Did it taste good?
Kim: What tasted good?
Adrian: My pee.
Adrian: Serves you right for sneaking up on me like that.
Kim: But you could've just pushed me away or evade! NOT HOLD ME DOWN AND PEE ONTO MY FACE!
Adrian: So how did it taste?
Kim: You are worse than Ben in terms of grossness.

Ben (from afar): I heard that!
Kim: Fuck you! I have pee on my face!

Which brings me to next question; Is it ok to pee in a public pool? Anyway, you all might have noticed that I recently added a "Reader Snippets" section on my sidebar. Well I felt bad for not linking my readers on the sidebar (there's too many of you!) so I thought that I'd make it up by highlighting some of your interesting posts from time to time. Don't worry, I have all you guys on my Google Reader.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Dogs & Silly Humans

Our dog Chocy has been very loud lately, whimpering and barking all day long. Must be 'that' time of the month. The neighbours (understandably) are not happy about this. One morning before class, we were waiting at the front gate for Adrian to dress up (he woke up late again) when suddenly Chocy threw one of its usual fits. That's when our neighbours snapped and started screaming:

Neighbour 1: Oi, diam la! Bising! (Malay)
Neighbour 2: Chau sei yan ah! (Cantonese)
Kim: They DO know right that dogs can't understand the human language regardless of dialect.
Ben: Well apparently they don't.
Kim: That's why WE are going to a university and THEY are stuck in their crummy single storey houses. [Diverts attention to Chocy] Isn't that right Chocy? We have stupid neighbours, don't we Chocy? Stupid people thinking that you could understand the human language. Aren't they dumb? Tell me Chocy, aren't they dumb?
Ben: Kim..
Kim: What?
Ben: Nevermind.

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