Sunday, April 30, 2006

Ben The Monk

You know that point in life where everything feels so stagnant to you? You feel like everything and everyone are just cutting through you and you're left standing in the middle of the street wondering what to do.

I mean all my close hometown friends are already a year away from getting a job and some even already HAVE jobs. (None of them went to local uni except for me)

*5th year high school reunion, 2 years from now*

Eh Daniel, how's your law degree course coming along?

Daniel: Oh I don't think law is suitable for me, I'm a lecturer now.
Ben: Oh well, things can't always turn out the way we want to.
You're right but I'm already earning 12k a month, guess that's alright.

Er... hey Howard, how's uni life in India? Sucks right?

I'm out of uni already la, now doing my medical residency at India. It's cool that I get to actually start saving lives now. Sometimes you just feel like you're more powerful than superman himself.

Nelson! How is it hanging in Taylors Colleg
Taylors? Nah, I'm piloting for MAS now. Meet my two wives, Gina and Pamela.

(Turns around to get some air but suddenly bumps into Samuel)

But I didn't ask.. (Turns around and bumps into David)


Ben, what are YOU doing?

Ben: Oh, I'm... not Ben. I'm his friend, John. Ben has decided that there's just too much violence going on in this world and wants no part of it so he converted to a monk. Now he's living peacefully high up in the mountains of Tibet.

Hell naw!

My future job better be worth every single minute of my 17 year long education.

Sick & Tired of Maggi & Gardenia

I was sms-ing Kim to ask about lunch.
Ben: Wat time eat?
Today I'll eat bread. Want to finish it. U go wit ur roommate la.

Adrian also eat bread la.. Haiya, maggi la

Yay. Together die. Hahaha!

It's just that we've eaten so much of instant noodles and jammed bread here in UTM that we're becoming so sick of it! I mean we undergrads honestly pity those who have to have maggi or gardenia breads for lunch or dinner..

(Cues scene to the side of the road, a row of impoverished beggars trying to make ends meet)
Beggar playing amateur guitar: *Has few cents in hat*
Beggar has both legs cut off: *Has few ringgit in hat*

Beggar pretending to be deaf, selling pricy stuffed dolls: *Also has few ringgit in hat*
Ben holding a pack of maggi: *Has 5 hats completely filled with 50 ringgit notes*

So sad, profitable, but sad

Saying No To Exams

"It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that you use to write in one exam. Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees. SAY NO TO EXAM"

After I got over the fact that I have deforested half of my country and maybe caused the extinction of 10 or so species in my 20 years as a scholar, I decided to do absolutely nothing about it.

Anyway, I got that message the night before my fluids finals. Just goes to show that undergrads will come up with just about anything to avoid exams. For even more proof, I decided to take a stroll along my hostel corridor a day before the finals (Ben gains x-ray vision):

Room 1
Undergrad 1: You idiot! I'm left-handed!
Undergrad 2: (Holding a bat) Shit, let me have at your left then.
Undergrad 2: Hey, can't you just tell them yo
u're right-handed?
Undergrad 1: ...

Room 2
(Left note on table) -Please help me to inform the lecturer that I have returned to my hometown to attend my grandmother's funeral. P.S: If Prof. Mahmud is all you can find, tell him it's my second grandmother-

Room 3
Undergrad: (Typing on his handphone) "It takes 15 trees to produce..."

Room 4
Undergrad: (Sitting cross-legged on a carpet facing the open window) Bam bam alakazam!

Saturday, April 29, 2006

The Characters

I get most of my jokes and humour from these guys so I thought might as well give credit to where credit is due :-)

Nickname: Adrian
Origin: Penang, Malaysia
My Description: This is my housemate
and coursemate. Sometimes too good looking for his own good. Fine, I'm jealous. Of course, his favourite topic would be about girls, girls, girls.

Nickname: Ahmeng
Origin: Pahang, Malaysia
My Description: My facultymate or better known as Wanyean's coursemate. This fella damn scared when I told him I'll be adding him to my character's profile. Ahaha! Mainly because we both argue a lot, A LOT. Everyday I see him also I must shoot him down if not I cannot sleep happy. He lives for sports; basketball, football, badminton, you name it, he's up for it.

Nickname: CK
Origin: Perak, Malaysia
My Description: I've been stalling to put him in th
is post for almost a year now. So here he is. This is CK. This guy is VERY Chinese. He only fluently speaks Chinese, listens to Chinese music, reads Chinese novels and plays ping pong. ... What? Ping pong is like SO Chinese la. Anyway, he thought I was a snob when I first met him because I could only speak in English (hardships of being a banana). But as you can tell, things have changed a lot since then. His English has improved tremendously and my Chinese.. has not. -sigh- He also has a blog.

Nickname: Mak
Origin: Perak, Malaysia
My Description: The class clown ladies and gentlemen. Lecturers know him as the loud, short one. But being the obnoxious asshole that he is, this guy can be pretty fun to talk to. Most of the time, our conversations turn into very good blog material. He's shorter than me. I like.

Nickname: Kim
Origin: Negeri Sembilan, Malaysia

My Description: This is my roommate, housemate and coursemate. He is the reincarnation of satan. When this dude runs his mouth you'd better start running. He is the single most sarcastic and most satirical undergrad in the whole of UTM. He is also a banana. He just started a blog at friendster, go la support him!

Nickname: Normie
Origin: Selangor, Malaysia
My Description: This is also my housemate and coursemate. Maybe the thing that stands out most about this guy is that he's tall. Other than that he's a very down to earth guy. You could crack a joke and he'll play along the whole way through (sometimes even makes you wish you didn't crack the joke in the first place).

Nickname: Wanyean
Origin: Penang, Malaysia
My Description: A faculty mate. He has his own blog. He really hates Johor and thinks his hometown Penang is heaven on earth. I wish Penang would sink into the sea, let's see whether he would still be as talkative.

Nickname: York
Origin: Johor, Malaysia
My Description: A regular good boy. Doesn't drink, doesn't gamble, doesn't curse, doesn't look at girls, doesn't this, doesn't that.
But we all know it's all going to change soon when he hangs around me long enough :) Right now, I'm trying to get him to show the finger for once *sigh* But considering all those 'good boy traits', he is suprisingly a pretty nice guy to talk to. (Photo looks more like an IC shot).

Boredom Is Socially Unhealthy

Best conversation this week

Kim: I AM BORED! I'm telling you, let's just think of an activity and DO IT!
Ben: Everyone here is either broke or just plain lazy. The only thing we could afford to do here is fulfilling our manly desires. It's free and it's fun.
Kim: That is just sick.
Ben: Hey you know what's even sicker? Us forming a rape group.
Kim: You know what's even sicker? Us forming a rape group to rape ugly fat girls.
Ben: You know what's even sicker? Us forming a rape group to rape guys.
Kim: You know what's even sicker? Us forming a rape group to rape babies.
Ben: You know what's even sicker? Us forming a rape group to rape anyone and then kill them.
Kim: You know what's even sicker? Us forming a rape group to rape anyone and then gut out their intestines.
Ben: You know what's even sicker? Us forming a rape group to rape anyone and then have their brains for dessert.
Kim: You know what's even sicker? Us forming a rape group to rape our mothers.
Ben: Oh god that IS sick!

*Camera zooms to a lower part of earth*

Lucifer: Two more, excellent.. (Mr. Burns imitation)

Human Chimney

No la I'm not one of those self-righteous 'Smoking is Bad' type of people, heck my dad is a smoker.

I am proof that second hand smoke doesn't kill!!

BUT you just do not take a sit directly in front of a group of 8 non-smoking undergrad halfway through their char kuey tiaw and nasi lemak dinner then start chain smoking like nobody's business.

The thick smoke from his cigaratte blew directly at us! For a minute there you'd swear you were in the middle of New York on a chilly morning... only warmer.. and smellier..

At least one of them had the decency to blow its smoke out and away from people and homes.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

My Old Blog

I present to you, my old blog. Well I sorta planned to delete it but I made a huge mistake of deleting my Yahoo ID first before deleting the blog.. so it's kinda left there in limbo, no owner, no updates.

It's full of sweet memories though. You'll notice that I didn't change my tag-board code when I made this new site (lazy la)

Pain In The Behind

Dealing with the office staff here is exactly how it would feel if I stuck a fork right up where the sun don't shine. Major pain in the ass. I mean what happened to improving the image of civil servants in Malaysia?

Conversation 1
Office Guy: Hey you! Your hair is too long! Get out!
Student 1: But I just had this cut yesterday..
Office Guy: Well cut it again! And your nails are too long, your pants are too revealing, your necklace is too shiny and you're more handsome than me.
Student 1: What?!
Office Guy: Get out! (Whiplash!)

Conversation 2
Student 2: I wanna register for a subject.
Office Girl: Fill in this form.
Student 2: (Fills in form) Here you go.
Office Girl: Oh it's 12.45pm, time to close. Please go.
Student 2: What? Just sign me in and that's it.. hey don't you guys break at 1pm?
Office Girl: (Breaks open wall clock and spins the minute hand) There, it's 1pm now go.

Conversation 3
Me: (At counter 3) I wanna register to stay here during short sem.
Office Girl: You better take your business to counter 4.
Me: (At counter 4) So I wanna register to stay here during short sem.
Office Guy: I gotta go hunt a duck in Mongolia, go to counter 5.
Me: (At counter 5) *cringes teeth* I would like to register to stay here during short sem.
Office Girl 2: I'm sorry you can't do that until tomorrow. Didn't you see the LATEST notice put up 5 minutes ago?
Me: ...
Office Girl 2: Here's a gun.
Me: Thank you (Puts gun in mouth and pulls trigger).

Well the only time they were smiling was when they gave me a gun.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Hawker Stall Woes

A hawker stall where I usually have my dinner.

This place is your usual hawker centre with an insane number of food choice, randomly arranged tables and chairs, loudmouth hawkers and of course the captain of the whole shenanigan.. and his microphone.

See this place is so untidily arranged that it has to extend out to the middle of the road. This wouldn't be a problem in Skudai since the roads here could fit 6 cars in one lane. The whole place is huge so the captain needed the mic (mainly) to ask car owners to move their vehicle away if ever one got in the way of the place.

I wish I could replace the term 'mainly' with 'only'.

The captain happened to walk by my table:
Captain: Have you ordered your drinks already?
Ben: Yes, quite a while ago.
Captain: Anything else?
Ben: (Shrinks to a size of an ant and crawls away)

Damn humiliating..

Noises of UTM


This alarm malfunction in our hostel lated for an hour. I had my thermo exams the next day.. Yes folks, living in the hostel is waaay more study conducive.

Jusco Joys

Busy, busy, busy on a Sunday Afternoon

It's after our Thermodynamics exam and we're all in a mood to go shopping! It's more like a stress-relief outing and we sure needed one. So we went to KFC for lunch and then off to Jusco! Hilarity ensues.

Bakery Isle:
*Five us each grabbed a loaf of bread and put them into an empty shopping cart*
Ben: Hm.. five undergrads and five loaf of breads.. UTM ain't treating us very well are they?
Friend 1: Hey look! A cheaper loaf of bread, we'll save 5 cents each!

Instant Noodles Isle:
Friend 3: I am so happy *sobs*
Friend 4: So this is what heaven looks like..

Snacks Isle:
Ben: Hey isn't that our Lab lecturer?
Friend 5: Man.. I really need an A for that subject.
Ben: Why don't you go talk to her, maybe flirt with her a little. Heheh. That should get you 1 or 2 marks.
Friend 5: I will! (Walks to lecturer)
Ben: You know I was joking right about the flirting part?
Friend 5: (Shows a nipple to the lecturer)
Lecturer: What the..?
Friend 5: Oh I'm sorry, you deserve more (Shows both nipples)

Healthy Eating Isle:
Friend 1: Look isn't that Mark with his girlfriend?
Friend 2: She looks good.
Friend 3: You're kidding, her legs are too short and her eyes are small.
Friend 4: Her forehead is large and her shoulders are too broad.
Friend 2: Now that you've mentioned it, her boobs are a bit saggy.
(60 years later five of these guys die alone and as virgins)

Friend 1: Come la we pay at the Express Counter. We've each got 8 items or less anyway.
Ben: But the express line is so long (About 8 people)! Let's just take the shopping cart line, it's just 2 more customers.
Friend 1: Suits you guys.
(5 minutes later)
Friend 1: (Waving hands at us from the cashier counter)
Friend 2: Ben, you do realise there is STILL two customers in front of us.
Ben: Yes..

Car Park:
Friend 1: A day well spent in Jusco right guys?
Others: YEAP!
Ben: (All bruised and bleeding) Yes it was!

Bad Bike

This motorcycle got chained because it was parked right in front of the entrance of our hostel.

This could be you passing by the entrance of our hostel.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Blogging Interrupted

I was surfing around in our hostel's internet cafe when this guy beside me playing FIFA 2006 suddenly stood up and screamed:


That's when I realised he was having a one on one game with another poor chap sitting across him. I could imagine w...........

Student: Hey! (Looks at my screen) Are you blogging about me?
Ben: Er..
Student: It's cool, but on one condition, I wanna be known as 'FIFA Badass'?
Ben: Sure..
FIFA Badass: Lalalalalala. Hey look! That's me on the screen, hahaha!
Ben: Can I get back to my blogging now?
FIFA Badass: Sure, sure go ahead.

You know what, just forget it. I just lost all my blogging mood after he left.

Malaysian Education System

Finals are starting this Sunday and I am just so not in the mood to pick up my 300-page thermodynamics text book! Everytime I do flip open my book, I get flash backs from my younger days:

Primary 1-6 (UPSR): Mama and Dadda says that this exam is going to tell if I'm retard.. I don't want to be retarded.. have to study (childhood passes Ben by)

Form 1-3 (PMR): Yep, all I got to do is study hard and life will all come to me easily once I step into Form 4! Until then, gotta be a good boy and stay at home everyday. (teenage mischief years passes Ben by)

Form 4-5 (SPM): Most important exam in my life! I gotta wake up 5am in the morning and sleep at 12 at night everyday in this 2 years. Efficiency! Efficiency! (teenage jolly fun years passes Ben by)

Form 6 (STPM): This will be the last time I'm gonna have to bust my ass. Just wake up early to study every morning at 3am and I should be fine. After this, it's smooth sailing all the way to degree-ville! (early adult life passes Ben by)

Then I leave myself wondering, do I really have to pay for the price of a better future with a boring and crappy past? I swear I die a little inside with each passing year in this damned education system.

Aneroxics Pisses Me Off

I had my lunch today at this economy rice shop (pick your food, then pay) and while I was queuing up to pay for my food, a group of aneroxic school girls aged around 16 were right behind me picking out their food:

Girl 1: Not too much rice please. I think I'll have a spoonful of vegetables today.
Girl 2: Not too much rice please. Lesser.. lesser.. thank you. (Walks directly to the counter to pay)
Girl 3: More rice please. I'll have 2 pieces of chicken, an egg and 4 pieces of chicken nuggets.
Girl 4: -GASP!- What's gotten into you?!
Girl 3: No it's okay, I'm puking them all out later!
All Girls In Unison: (Giggles!)

*Ben turns around and blows all of them into the wind*

They were all so skinny you'd need snipe scope to shoot them at gunpoint.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Animal Cruelty Is Entertaining

One day,

Entertain he did,

It's raining la outside! What you expect me to do?!

1 Notice Board, 200 Pissed Undergraduates

Recently at our Mechanical Engineering Faculty, the Student Representative Council had an ingenius idea to put up a notice board where anyone can write in their complaints and comments about the faculty or maybe even UTM in general.

My faculty's 'tagboard'

As you can see, UTM students had a hell lot of complaints. But as I took a closer look, something caught my eye. Let me explain, the upper portion of the notice board is actually white manila paper to hold up the word 'MAJLIS PERWAKILAN PELAJAR'. The lower portion is where all the comments SHOULD be written.

This was taken at the upper left corner of the board. Interesting to say the least.

(If it isn't clear enough for you)
Comment 1: Apasal budak tahun 1 tak boleh bawak kenderaan bermotor? Aku dah cukup umur dan rugi la tak dapat guna lesen.
Comment 2:
Budak tahun 1 bangang, mana boleh conteng kat sini, tula pasal!

Comment 1:
Kita sama-sama bangang.

Comment 3:
SUB (cafeteria) banyak tahi kucing.

And this is only a tiny portion of the notice board..

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Getting Fined For Holding Hands

I got a huge scare yesterday when I heard that this country no longer allows couples to hold hands in public anymore or even go further than that. My friend read from a chinese newspaper that a new law has been passed by the State Councils that prohibits any form of opposite sex physical contacts in public. Funny that the first thing that came to my mind was:


My friend added that a few local couples, even foreigners in KL were already given fines for holding hands and kissing in public!

At a shopping centre:
Police: Hey you two! I'm gonna have to fine you both for holding hands.
Man: What? That is ridiculous!
Woman: Aaaw, come on officer (bats eyes) can't you give us another chance? (brushes shoulder against officer's hands)
Police: And that's another fine for you! Perhaps you aren't clear with the new rules, NO CONTACT BETWEEN OPPOSITE SEX IN PUBLIC!
Man: But technically, didn't you also make contact with her?
Police: ...

At a local children's park:
*Sight of children running and playing around the slides while being accompanied by their mums*

Police: (Approaches a mother) What are you doing?
Mother: Er.. playing with my son.
Police: You realise right that the new law prohibits contact between opposite sex in public for ALL AGES?
Mother: But that's absurd!
Police: Here's your fine and please let go of your child now.
Mother: (Let's go of her son)
Son: Yay! I am free!

*Sight turns ugly as little infants everywhere were falling off slides and jungle gyms, bones broken and blood spewing everywhere. Mothers watch helplessly as their sons horde off to the nearby forest to live with the wolves*

Well then I found out that this has been a very old case and that this isn't even on The Star.. AT ALL. Recently a foreign couple got really, really intimate in public so they were slapped a fine, nothing big in Malaysia. Sad though it was on the front page of this other chinese newspaper.

Mamak Game Show

I went to have my late lunch at a mamak stall today. That's one more thing to cross of my 'Things I wouldn't think I'd do before I die' list. I mean nobody actually has 4 roti canai-s for lunch... do they?

Anyway I was actually particularly annoyed with how the waiter asked for our orders. Damn blur:
Waiter: What would you like to have?
Friend: I would like a nasi lemak.
Waiter: Ok that's a nasi kandang.
No, no, one nasi lemak.


Nasi lemak.

Huh? So what would you like to drink?

Hey, did you get my first order?

One nasi kangkang, right?



You know what, I'll probably end up with pee water so I'll just have these bananas.

Bananas, for frustrated customers

Then it was my turn:

Waiter: So what would YOU like? (Glares at Ben)
(Shocked) Aaah! Er... one roti planta please.
Waiter: What?
Ben: Roti planta.
Are you sure?


Is that your final answer?

*Everything turns dark and strobe lights start flashing around randomly. It's time for a game of 'Who Wants That Roti Planta'*

I would like to ask for the audience's opinion and use my lifeline please..

Ask once, you'll get an answer
Ask twice, you'll get a better answer
Ask the third time, you'll get a stupid answer

YouTube, Sorry Ah Meng

Referring to 'Happy Birthday To Ah Meng' post, I have finally gotten YouTube to work. And here I present, the video! Birthday in UTM, live and uncensored.

Ah Meng, be gentle..

Monday, April 10, 2006

Driving And Me

In Hostel Parking Lot:
Ben: I wanna drive!
Friend: Sure.
Ben: *Eeep, It's a manual!* Er.. I don't think I'm feeling well enough to drive..
Friend: Quit messing around and just drive. Come on, I'm hungry.
Ben: Ok.. (Starts engines)

10 minutes later, in hell:
Ben: I told you I wasn't well enough to drive.
Devil: Hello you two!
Friend: %$#*@^"<:

Guys I DO have a driving license, it's just that I can't drive for shit when it comes to manual! I'm just so used to my automatic Mazda Premacy at home. I have a feeling though that I should start learning how to drive a manual car, you know in case of emergencies:

Friend with car suffers from serious gastric, I'm the only one left in the hostel who 'can' drive:
Friend: I need to get to the hospital quick. Here are my keys, I don't think I can dr... (Falls into coma)
Ben: Adrian, Adrian! Oh no, I have to get him help quick!

*Batman theme plays as Ben carries his injured friend to the back of the car and quickly drives to the nearest UTM hospital*

30 minutes later:
Friend: (Wakes up from short coma) Oh thank you so much Ben. I don't know what I would've done without you..
Ben: Don't mention it.
Devil: So that's a 20% percent medical discount for your friend with your Hell Membership Card. (Swipes card) Please come again Mr. Benjamin.
Friend: What the...

Yeah, I'd better learn quick.

Name Calling

Chinese names are hard to remember and even harder to pronounce. For me anyway. My chinese name is Sew Tzong Jin:

Lecturer: Ok students, I'm going to return your test papers today.
Ben: This is gonna hurt.
Friend: Yikes..
Lecturer: I'll start with those who got 45/50 and above. Mohd. Bla bla, Tan bla bla, ... , Sen Yong Jen
Ben: YES! I am king! *points* I own you and you and you!

*A ray of light from the heavens shines brightly upon Ben. And as he graciously leaves his throne and makes his way downstairs, rose petals are dropped on his path. The band were singing, the birds were chirping, the weather was fine. It was a sight to behold!
Then someone taps Ben's back*

Sen: Sorry, that's my paper.
Ben: -Quietly returns to his seat-
Friend: You must be in so much pain right now.
Ben: Piss off!

I got a 42/50 and a severely bruised ego.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Handphone Shopping

I went shopping for a new handphone today. My old 8310 finally gave up on me last week and I'm just plain lazy to have waited till now to change my handset. Off to Taman Universiti!Well it took me 6 shops to finally pick out my new handphone. You'd be suprised by the number of colourful characters in a handset shop:

The loud one:
I'll throw in this and that and this and that. Aaah, but you don't need that so I'll just give you this for a cheaper price. Then we gotta have a headphone, fuck yeah! *Presses calculator rapidly* That all amounts to low price of RM800. Damn that is LOW! Don't you just get off hearing that? LOW LOW LOW, AAH, AAH, AAH! It's so good, I think I'll just whack off right now in front of you!

The quiet one:
Shopkeep: RM800
Ben: Anything else?
Shopkeep: It's got SMS and stuff.
Ben: ...

Shopkeep: If you're planning to rob me, I've got six bucks in my wallet.

The female:
Ben: What model is this?Female: *Paiseh* *Paiseh* I don't know.
Ben: Oh ok.. I'll just take my business somewhere if you don't mind.
Female: *Shows cleavage*
Ben: Hm, so tell more about what you don't know..

Anyway, the choice I stuck with is 6600 and I'm getting it today. Yay!

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