Children Never Lie

(4 years ago in a Coffee Shop)

Ben: I swear, my dad asked me to buy this. I don't even smoke!
Shopkeeper: No no, you are under 18 and I cannot sell you cigarettes.
Ben: Look, my dad is sitting inside that (points) car.
Shopkeeper: Good, then tell him to come over and buy his own pack of ciggies.
Ben: Wait, you think I'm lying?

(A little girl approaches the counter)

Little Girl: One pack of Salem please.
Shopkeeper: For your dad I presume. There you go little girl.
Little Girl: I want.. no.. my dad wants the Light one.
Shopkeeper: Oh ok. Let me get that for you. So where's your dad?
Little Girl: He is.. somewhere..
Shopkeeper: Probably waiting for you at the sundry shop next door.
Little Girl: Yeah.. yeah.. that's where he is. See ya. [Walks away while unwrapping the cigarette box and taking out a stick]

Shopkeeper: Isn't she cute?
Ben: You sold a pack of salems to someone 10 years younger than me?!
Shopkeeper: That's for her dad. She said so. Children never lie you know.
Ben: Ok fine, I'm buying this pack of cigarette for my dad too.
Shopkeeper: But you are lying.
Ben: What the.. that little girl was a more obvious liar than me!
Shopkeeper: More? So you do admit you are a liar.
Ben: I.. I..

Children could easily be trained to be bank robbers.

How (Not) To Hack A Vending Machine

(In front of a soft drink vending machine)
Ben: I'm just saying, it's not a very good idea.
Friend: How is it not a good idea? This is a 50 cent coin with a hole drilled right through the centre. Now tied to the hole is this long, elastic string.
Ben: And holding on to that string is an idiot.
Friend: Shush! Now I am going to drop this coin into the vending machine and once the counter goes up, I'll just yank it out and repeat. It's fool-proof!
Ben: Then why are you doing it?
Friend: Fine, you wanna do it?
Ben: Hell no. I'm just here to witness stupidity at work.
Friend: I'm not sharing the rewards with you. [Inserts modified coin into the vending machine]
Ben: Oh look, the counter went up.
Friend: Hah, told you it would work! Now I'll just get the coin out and re-insert it again. [Yanks hard. String breaks]
Ben: ...
Friend: Why aren't you laughing?
Ben: I wanted to. But then I realised that after this moment, I would find nothing else funny anymore.
Friend: Hey no matter, I'll just insert another 70 cent and get myself a drink. No loss. [Insert coins. Hits the Pepsi button. Nothing comes out]
Ben: Oh no. I think I blown my humour fuse.

We've all done some silly things in life haven't we?

My First Blogger's Meet

Have you ever played The Sims or at least seen someone play it before? If you do, I'm sure you'd all notice that there are a series of 'needs' bar that the player has to mantain in order to keep their characters happy. Well yesterday, my 'needs' bar looked something like this:



It's just that I'm so used to being surrounded by my coursemates in the house and also at the faculty back in Skudai but when I return home to KL, it's like ZERO human contact!

(Interrupted)
Little Sis: Then what am I?
Ben: You're my sister, you're not counted.
Little Sis: How dare you say I'm not counted as human! I am hurt!
Ben: Fine, let's do something together after I'm done blogging ok?
Little Sis: Ok.
Ben: What do you have in mind?
Little Sis: [Takes out her collection of Barbie dolls]

I am in serious need of a social life here in KL. Fortunately right before I was about to leap off my balcony (fuck no I'm playing Barbie dolls), Eve invited me to a mini blogger's meet held at Midvalley. Yay, my first blogger's meet! (Does a cartwheel, hands weaken halfway, lands on the head, skull breaks open, dies) I was just excited to get out the house.

So we met up at the centre court, introduced ourselves and decided on having dinner at Dominoes. During the meet I spent most of the time chatting with Eve and her friend Cristal, mostly about studies and hometowns. Ivan, Mike, Kelz, Natalie and Cheryl on the other hand were reminiscing about their wacky clubbing experiences. I never felt older or outdated in my life.

At one point, Cheryl decided to join us (the old group) and chatted about the blogosphere:

Cheryl: So what blogs do you guys read?
Ben: I read some. [More like every single blog in Malaysia, you lifeless liar!]
Cheryl: Do you read Jasiminne's?
Ben: Read? You don't 'read' Jasiminne's blogs. You download her pictures and store them in a special folder in your computer.
Cheryl: ...
Ben: But now that she doesn't update her blog anymore, I'm so out of fresh photos. ... Hey, do you post semi-revealing pictures of yourself in your blog?
Cheryl: (Shifts uncomfortably)

Maybe I shouldn't be so direct. Halfway through our dinner, Asyraf made a rather interesting late appearance. He came complaining of a hang-over.. at 8pm at night. Aah, the funny people you meet in the city. He was slurring his words the entire night but still he's great to talk with.

All in all, the meet was short but great. I'm sorry though I didn't get to talk with some of you guys there, could be the long table sitting arrangement. Thanks for an otherwise dull night. Photos here.

I Hate Kids

As I'm blogging, there's a little girl standing by my side watching me well, blog. I am so uncomfortable right now. See my family is having a steamboat dinner and decided to invite another family over. And you guessed it right, they brought along a 3 year old kid over.

Now it's already bad enough that I have no idea how to deal with little kids. I mean they're SO SMALL! Walking with their small legs, eating with their small mouths and thinking with their small noodle. I have this fear whereby everytime I try to make contact with them either physically or verbally, I would 'break' them. You know, shattering their bones with a slight pat on the back or blow their brains out by saying something they don't understand.

Yes, I'm weird like that. Anyway, this kid beside me was particularly inquisitive. She would get you to answer a question and then follow it up by a series of, "Why? Why? Why?" It can get pretty annoying:

Little Girl: Koko, what are you doing?
Ben: I'm playing a computer game.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: Because it's fun.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: Because I get to kill other people online.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: Because I'm a killer.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: I'm joking.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: Because I thought it was funny.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: Because I like to make jokes.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: Because I want to hide the fact that I'm empty and hollow inside.. (breaks down and cries)

A 3 year old just psycho-analysed me and I was not going to let it slide by. I tried giving her a taste of her own medicine:

Ben: (Wipes tear away) Hey little girl, why are you wearing pink today?
Little Girl: Why you ask?
Ben: Because I'm curious.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: Because I want answers to everything.
Little Girl: Why?
Ben: Because I want to hide the fact that I have a poor memory and I need to keep asking to keep myself reminded.. (breaks down and cries again)

This little kid will make a great future psychologist.

I Went Clubbing!

So what does one do after arriving back to his hometown which he has never visited for 3 months? Me, I took a long shower, ate some good home-made food, updated my parents on my life in uni, watched "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" on DVD and then slowly fall asleep GO CLUBBING!

Finally after a 2 year stint, I can call myself a clubber again!


Clubber!

Ok I'm obviously making a big deal out of this but it was so UNREAL! The liquour, the dancing, the hypnotizing strobe lights, the 'nicely' dressed women, it was too much for someone such as myself to take in all at once. Imagine a little boy locked inside a candy store for one whole night, that would be me! Except the store would be playing the latest hip hop music, the customers would all be stylishly dressed, and the candy would all be replaced with liquor.. and there would be people dancing.. in the candy-turned-liquor store.

Anyway, Wanyean was the one who invited me to tag along with his hometown buddies. And suprise, suprise, Eve was there too! We introduced each other, shook hands and said the usual, "Hey I've read your blog." But that was how Eve and I got accquainted. Wanyean and Eve on the other, had a more interesting way of saying 'Hello':

Eve: Hey you're thinner in person.
Wanyean: [thinks of a witty response] Ah well, you're fatter in person.
Eve: ...

(Eve turns into a big gigantic monster and swallows up Wanyean)

Besides that, I also got introduced to 2 other hawt girls that night. They were Eve's friends from USM. Wa USM also got so pretty girls, why UTM don't have one?! One of the girls had a funny name though:

Hot Friend: My name is Manly.
Ben: What?
Hot Friend: I am Manly!
Ben: [Sigh, what a waste] Oh ok, Manly..

Ben: Who names themselves 'Manly'?
Wanyean: It's Mandy, you dick.

I blame the loud blasting music. The techno music they played early that night was so undanceable to. I tried moving to the beat but I can't help feeling like an electrocuted chicken. As the night went on, the DJ switched to r&b and hip hop. That's when everyone started crowding the dance floor. Now this is so much better than techno, at least this time I just look electrocuted.

The DJ was fun too. He acknowledged Wanyean's buddies by saying, "We have some Penangnites in the house!" where at this point, they started screaming. Naturally, I didn't want to get left behind:

Ben: Sabah! Sabah! Sabah! [Waving frantically]
DJ: What?
Ben: Sabah! Sabah! I'm from Sabah! [Jumping up and down]
DJ: I know you are. Would you like a banana?

Ok he didn't say the banana part but damn it, I got humiliated. It was all in good fun though, just like the entire night. *lick* Finally Ben's got a taste of the KL night life :D Here are some photos from the night.


Peace out!

Cheapening Your Monthly Utility Bill

So the TNB guys came today (FINALLY!) and did a thorough check on our electricity meter. After 20 minutes of flipping switches and doing calculations, it was confirmed that there's an electricity leakage somewhere at the kitchen area. This, of course sucks because it means that the meter is fine and we STILL have to pay the accumulated RM480 electricity bill.

They said that we have to call up the contractor for our house and tell him to re-inspect the wirings at home. Sigh. So in the mean time, we have to cut back on heavy electricity usage, mainly the electric kettle. We almost freaked out when he showed us the kettle readings. A refrigerator uses only 2M of electricity while an electric kettle uses 8M! (read: EIGHT! LAPAN!)

So for the next few weeks, we will not be boiling our drinking water but instead getting our daily supply of H2O from the nearby water dispenser (RM0.20 a litre). That's not the only sacrifice we thought of making:

Ben: What else can we save on?
Adrian: We could stop leaving our computers on for 24 hours.
Ben: ...
Adrian: I'm sorry, I didn't know what I was thinking. [Slaps self]
Ben: How about saving on our water bill? We could use less water to make up for the electricity bill.
Adrian: You mean cutting back on showering?
Ben: Cut back? I'm thinking of something more.. extreme.

{Starts dream sequence}

(It starts to rain)
Ben: It's raining!
Adrian: You mean there's FREE water falling from the sky?
Ben: Yes. The day has finally come for us.
Adrian: After 2 weeks of waiting, we can finally take a bath!
Ben: Wuuuhuuu! And drink, we can finally drink WATER again!

(It suddenly stops raining)

Adrian: ...
Ben: It's okay. We can wait for another two more weeks.
Adrian: -sobs- [Rubs a bar of dry soap onto body]
Ben: [Sips off an empty cup]

{Ends dream sequence}

Adrian: NO!
Ben: It's just a suggestion.

I also suggested that we fix a dynamo to our hamster's wheel which will power the entire house when it runs on it. Sigh. Why our house so many problems one?!

Lightening Up The Mood

Seems that my recent posts were getting a bit too serious. Some a bit political, some too ranty and the previous one, a bit too controversial. I would like everyone to know that whatever I write on this blog is purely for entertaiment's sake. I want this blog to be what is has always been, a light read. So to make up for my blog's lost 'happy-go-lucky' spirit, here's a picture of my hamster in a toilet roll.



So cute right? With this picture, I bet I could write an entry on modern genocide and still get away scot free. Ok probably not but it's just so darn cute! Anyway, I'm sitting for my FINAL finals paper tomorrow. After that, I AM FREE!

[Wuhuuu! Throws confetti in the air, releases 12 white doves, plays John Mayer - No Such Thing]

[Realises that exam is still not over - puts down party hat, continues studying]

Lecturers From Hell

Sufficient exercises and good memorising skills aren't the only crucial things you need to do well in the examination hall. And no, I'm not talking about new and more interesting ways to cheat during exam. I am not going to tell you that you should get a bigger pencil box, wear a long-sleeved jacket, learn a little bit of sign language and spend your bathroom breaks wisely.

The other important factor to LEGITIMATELY score well in any exam is the willingness of the lecturers in charge to help you during exam. What's worse than not knowing the answer to a question? - Forgetting it. No matter how much a person studies, he/she will surely blank out on a few formulas and definitions. That's when you need a little help from the lecturers to help you recall them. Over here, the finals are like the 'be all and end all' part of a subject/course so naturally the lecturers would want to lend a little hand to their students.

I admit I have been saved a few times by the lecturers, one even went to the extent of writing down for me the formulas necessary for my questions. But of course, there are some who would understandably nail you to a roundtable and burn you with a torch if you so much as ask for a hint. For example yesterday during my fluid finals:

(In the exam hall: a coursemate sitting on my right asks a question)
Coursemate: Sir, what's a Cauchy-Remain equation?
Lecturer: Are you my student?
Coursemate: Er, yeah.
Lecturer: THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S A CAUCHY REMAIN EQUATION? I distinctly remembered stressing on this topic on the last day of lecture! Or were you sleeping again that time?!
Coursemate: I..
Lecturer: You are a DISGRACE to my class! *Storms away*

(Adrian, who was sitting behind me, also tried his luck)
Adrian: Maam, am I using the right formula?
Lecturer: THIS SIMPLE FORMULA ALSO YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE! I bet you didn't study at all yesterday. I bet you were out drinking and partying with friends and saying stuff like, "screw the finals!". Are you regretting your decision now? Are you?!

I also had my fair share of unhelpful lecturers that day but they were just unhelpful, not pissy (pity my friends). Out of the ten lecturers present, none of them were willing to assist their students AT ALL. After the exam on the way out the hall, you could hear a lot of complaints about the lecturers' attitude. Sigh. We are a spoilt bunch.

Edit: Ok some of you are starting to question our moral integrity here so let me give you a situation. Let's say a paper consists of four questions. each question costs 25%. Now out of this 4, you couldn't do one of them, AT ALL. Imagine going down 2 grades just because of that. And all you needed was to know what the hell does that one short sentence mean or whether the formula was a positive or a negative. What would you do? You ask, and you pray to god he gives you the answer. Desperation is ugly.

And stop picturing us raising our hands every 10 minutes asking for the lecturer's help. We are desperate not dumb.

Studying For Finals

I've been up for hours studying for my fluids finals and I think I must've explored every single part of my house by now. See, I can't sit or stay at one area for too long while studying. I need to move around every 30 minutes or so. Be it on the floor, on the bed, in my house mate's room, in my own room, in the toilet, the kitchen, anywhere! 'Nomadic' is what I like to call it. It's such a nice word, don't you think? "Nomadic, nomadic, nomadic, nomadic, nomadic!"

... I just said 'no more dick'. -giggles-

(Inside Ben's brain)
Sense Of Humour: [Out For Lunch. P/S: Please do not, under any circumstances, try to update the blog while I'm away]

Government Servant Stereotype

So yesterday we went to the TNB branch office at Johor Bahru to complain about our outrageous electricity bill for the past 2 months (RM240 a month). This is never our job to begin with. Our landlord told us that she had called up the TNB guys and they would be coming soon.

If you ask me, she's just being lazy for not pushing the TNB guys. We called up the TNB people FOUR TIMES only to be given empty promises. Obviously as tenants, we weren't being taken seriously. Stupid landlord! May her house go down in flames!

[Sniff, sniff, something's burning in the kitchen.. wait.. this IS her house!]

Must blame someone. Stupid TNB! May their factories go down in flames!

[Whole of West Malaysia blacks out]

I suck at arson-cursing. Anyway, we told the TNB guy that it could be our electricity meter problem. We surveyed the neighbourhood before and found out that our meter was still the old model. We suspect that the age could've screwed up the meter's reading speed. The first thing the TNB guy did when we told him this was glare at us and fired, "Kamu ada kacau itu meter ka?!" ("Did you mess with the meter?!")

I wanted so badly to grab every single object in his cubicle and shove them into his mouth. He proceeded to tell us about the penalties and fines and how they would watch over our names like hawks if we were caught tampering with their meter. At this point, it didn't seem enough to shove stationaries into his mouth. I wanted to pee on him.

We are here to file a complain about YOUR meter and now you blatantly accuse US of tampering with it?! We are your customers for crying out loud, the least you can do is show us a bit respect! Then I stopped and took a breather. I looked around the office and started to smile. In fact while the TNB guy was pointing and threatening us, I actually laughed. Hey, you would too if you saw a Malaysian government servant living up to their 'rude and impolite' stereotype. It's like watching a chinese man holding a calculator or a black man eating a piece of fried chicken.

I shrugged away whatever sense of anger I had left and just took in all the TNB guy's lecture. After he was done, he tried to check our electricity usage through their online database. I almost rolled on the floor laughing when he said, "Aya, server down la." Bad service AND poor facilities. Now the black man is having a bucket of fried chicken!

It is sad that I find this amusing but what can I do? Sure we could get the man's ID number and report him for wrongfully accusing us. But then I fear the higher office would either 'make sure' our meter was tampered or give some silly excuse like, "If it wasn't for the sun, the sky and the moon, your meter wouldn't have gone haywire."

I'll leave you all with a snippet of the conversation I had with the TNB guy:

(Conversation in Malay)
TNB Guy: Did you know that if tampered, the meter would run faster.
Ben: Oh.
TNB Guy: For example, if you tampered with your car engine, would it run faster or slower?
Ben: Slower.
TNB Guy: [Nods in agreement] Same concept.
Ben: ...

What an idiot.

It's The Sexy Dress

In today's news, a City Hall security officer was caught zooming in on a journalist's thighs using the City Hall's CCTV camera. When the Penang Municipal Council president was questioned on this matter he sternly replied, "If the dress was not sexy, the incident would not have happened."

In other news, robbers are suing rich locals and every bank in Malaysia for tempting them to do what they do. Besides that, local arsonists are also blaming Malaysian buildings for being so flammable and kerosenes for being so easy to obtain. And recently, all local murderers are released from jail because according to a statement incurred by the press, "if they weren't in the way of their weapons, they wouldn't be killed in the first place".

There Is No Bright Side

Studying for 2 hours straight can be stressful. That's why halfway through our books, Adrian and I started blurting out nonsense to ease the tension:

(Studying in the living room)
Ben: Women have chocolates, what do men have?
Adrian: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Ben: You know, like a substitute for sex. Women say that eating chocolates are as good as sex for them. I'm just wondering what are men's alternative for sex.
Adrian: Oh.
Ben: What about beer? Does downing a tall one feel anything like sex?
Adrian: Sigh. You need to get laid.
Ben: I know. Sigh.
Adrian: Well look on the bright side, you could have some fun with your virginity.

(Start dream sequence: In the exam hall)

Ben: [Raises hand] Sir!
Lecturer: Yes?
Ben: I don't know how to do this question. This is like sex to me! (snickering)
Lecturer: ...
Ben: Can you teach me? (snickering)
Lecturer: How did you find out about me?
Ben: Huh?
Lecturer: Meet me out back in 5 minutes. You've heard how I like it; from behind, tongue only, no kissing.

(End dream sequence)

Adrian: You need to get laid.
Ben: I know. Sigh.

Familiar Lines On Malaysian Roads

(Wanyean & I were driving home from a movie)
Ben: Why is there a traffic jam in the middle of the highway?
Wanyean (Driving): I bet there's an accident there. That's why I HATE nosy Malaysian drivers, it's not as if they're getting out of their cars and offering some help.
Ben: It's not wrong to be curious.
Wanyean: You look at that and tell me what's so interesting about a smashed up Proton Saga and a dented Kancil. Wait a minute, how is that possible?
Ben: Look ahead, there's a Honda City and a Proton Wira badly banged up on its front and rear.
Wanyean: Domino effect! Do you have a camera?
Ben: Wait.. [click]
Wanyean: Now jot down the numbers of all four cars. They make for good lottery numbers. I'll drive slower.
Ben: ...

(Scene shifts to the car behind us)

Woman: You see the youngster in front driving so slow. That's why I HATE young Malaysian drivers!

(Scene shifts to the car behind the car)

Man: You see the lady in front slowing down the traffic. That's why I HATE women Malaysian drivers!

Can you feel the love?

Auctioning At A Hawker Stall

I had an interesting experience during dinner time today. They were having a crystal auction at the hawker stall and I don't mean they're having the event somewhere nearby. I mean they're actually having it RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the hawker stall! Imagine having to hear "Going once, going twice, sold!" over and over again as you're having your dinner. Not the most appetizing of situations but like I said, it was interesting.

The auctioneer would pick a crystal from his truck and place it on the stage for everyone to see. Then he would describe the meaning and purpose of the each of the crystals. Sometimes there's even a story behind them. After all that comes the auctioning. The auctioneer would state the opening bid and bidders start raising their hands to signify price increase. Of course, the highest bidder wins.

Now here's the problem. If you have no intention of participating in the auction, you have to be really careful so as not to accidentally raise your hands. That of course is hard to do because raising your hands is the only way to get the waiter's attention around the crowded hawker stall. Imagine this happening:

(Hawker stall)
Ben: [Raises hand] Hey waiter! One glass of sugarcane juice, please.
Ben: [Raises hand] Hey waiter! Could you help me order a plate of chicken rice.
Ben: [Raises hand] Hey waiter! Is that a plate of chicken rice? Over here!
Ben: [Raises hand] Hey waiter! I'd like one more bowl of rice.
Auctioneer: So where's your car?
Ben: Huh?
Auctioneer: No it's ok. I'll personally carry these crystals to your car. It's the least I can do after you've purchased half of my crystal collection, each for a generous price even.
Ben: But I..
Auctioneer: I would like to express my sincerest gratitude on behalf of my dying wife and 10 starving children. [Hands over the bill]
Ben: !!!

I wouldn't want that to happen so I had to resort to other means of demanding for service:

(Hawker stall)
Ben: Er hello? [Taps table] Hello? [Bangs table] HELLO?!
Waiter: Yes?
Ben: Oh finally. I would like [raises finger] one glass of sugarcane.
Auctioneer: So where's your car?
Ben: You've got to be kidding.

Interesting but frustrating.

A Song Stuck In My Head

I love studying with the music on. Nothing like a string of sweet melodies to flush away all my suicidal tendencies that comes from hours of force-feeding my brain with insane amounts of facts and formulas. But I've never actually done it so close before the actual exam time. I usually like finish up ALL my revisions a day before the exam to avoid rushing myself. So that means I have at least 8 hours to clear my head of any addictive tunes.

Today was different because I was too sleepy the night before and so I decided to wake up early this morning (an hour before exam time) to look over my exam notes. Instinctively, I powered up winamp and let Mraz's songs flutter my earlobes throughout my quick revision period. Of course, it proved costly:

(30mins later, in the exam hall)

Intellectual Ben: First I've gotta find the magnetic field strength.
Musical Ben: [Singing] "The wonderful thing it does because, because I am the wizard of ooh's and ah's and fa-la-la's"
Intellectual Ben: What the.. concentrate! Now what's the formula for magnetic flux?
Musical Ben: [Singing] "Well you're magic he said but don't let it all go to your head coz I bet if you all had it all figured out then you'd never get out of bed.."
Intellectual Ben: Hey MB, SHUT UP!
Musical Ben: Oh what are you gonna do? [Singing] "Down to the other side its easy of you only try we don't lie down on the job because once we hit the top there's NO STOPPING US."
Intellectual Ben: That's it, I can't work like this. See ya! -poof-
Musical Ben: Hey IB where are you going? I wanna come too! -poof-

(Tumbleweed blows by Ben's abandoned brain space)

Ben: [Staring blankly at the exam paper, mouth wide opened, saliva dripping]

Have you ever had your entire brain bail on you during exam? Aaargh!

My Definition of Manliness

Sometimes I can't help but think that men are becoming more feminine as time goes by:

(Kim, Wanyean and I were coming out from a shop. I spotted a really hot chick out of the humongous crowd that was passing by)
Wanyean: So where do you wanna go now?
Ben: I think we got all we needed, let's head home.
(...)
Ben: Did you..
Wanyean: Hell yeah, I totally did! I thought YOU didn't notice!
Ben: I did! I did!
Wanyean: Isn't she just drop dead gorgeous?!
Ben: Plus she was in a nurse's outfit. I almost wanted to fake a heart attack right then and there!
Wanyean: OMG, I'm hyperventilating!

(Picture Ben & Wanyean in schoolgirl outfits jumping up and down while flapping their arms and squeaking)

Kim: Both of you are pathetic.
Kim: [Walks past a hobby shop] Aaaaaahhhh!
Ben: What happened?
Kim: The new gundam model is out! Isn't it so very beautiful?!
Ben: It's okay.
Kim: It's perfect! OMG OMG OMG, I can't breathe!

Guys these days can't even be 'manly passionate' about anything anymore, not even chicks. Now, imagine two guys 'manly' talking about football in a mamak:

Man 1: He scored.
Man 2: Indeed.
Man 1: [Thumps chest]
Man 2: [Kills a dog and takes it home for breakfast]

I miss the good ol' days.

I Am 21

Organising my 21st birthday party was so much fun. Kim, Wanyean & I needed to get clean drinkable and the only way to do it in such short notice was to gather 20 empty 7-up bottles from around the house and head to the nearest water dispensing machine in Skudai. But I got thirsty:

(In the car waiting for Ben, after done filling up the 20 bottles)
Wanyean: Where is Ben? We gotta head back home quick.
Kim: He went to get some carbonated drinks from that sundry shop.
Ben: Sorry to keep you guys waiting. I'll just throw these in the back.

(...)

Kim: Ben, what did you get?
Ben: I got us two bottles of 7-up.
Everyone: [Looks at the 22 bottles of 7-up behind]
Ben: Oh no.

Trouble loomed hours before the party when rained started pouring. Luckily it stopped minutes before we were supposed to start the fire. The party itself was filled with whacky conversations such as this gem:

Mak: Why aren't there any girls in this party?!
Ben: I actually thought of inviting my two girl-friends over but I remembered that you'd also be coming.
Mak: Why me?
Ben: I know you. You'd start teasing and making fun of them.
Mak: Hey, I resent that remark. I'm a gentleman, ok? Hey who is THAT girl.
Ben: That's Lilian, Normie's girlfriend.
Mak: Ahahaha that's a funny name! Lilian, LeileiOh. Hey, hey LEI-LEI-OH-SI (Come take a crap)!
Ben: Sigh.


Too poor to get a proper BBQ set

Then came the part where they really 'celebrated' my birthday. I had the same birthday as one of my coursemates, Khai, so it wasn't a focus fire event (thank god!). They made both of us consume a god-awful cookie and we had to try to guess the ingredients used. I only got 3 out of 13 right. The answer was salt,nescafe, milo, corn, flour, cornflour, vegetable oil, chocolate milk, egg, soy sauce, vinegar,orang juice, tomato sauce.


Eat or else..

Then everyone called it a truce and took a group picture.


YEAH RIGHT! Look at my unsuspecting face! (Click to enlarge)

Right after the camera shutters went off, everyone started flinging the leftover dough used to make the shitty cookie at Khai and me! I momentarily snapped and grabbed the huge bucket of punch, swinging it at anyone who comes near (I remembered dumping a huge one on CK) Then the curious side of me kicked in and I took a sniff of ALL the dough I collected with my hands. OMG, the smell was so awful I PUKED right then there. I can't believe I ATE that! Everyone were laughing their heads off when they saw me on my knees regurgitating at the nearby gutter. Aaaargh!


I know I should look more pissed, I think the smell got to me.

They got me a cake from Secret Recipe which was oh-so-good! Then they wanted to pull another prank on me during the cake cutting ceremony:

Kim: Smash his face onto the cake!
Everyone In Unison: NOOOOOOO, IT'S SECRET RECIPES!

Haha, we're such cheap bastards. The party ended on a high-note where the guys were still laughing (at me) as they rode back to their hostels. The housemates and I then had a small after-party where we all got wasted till the early morning on Jack Daniels (compliments of my Dad). All in all, it was a great birthday. More photos of the event here.

P/S: I would like to thank all of you who wished me a happy birthday on my blog. It made my hangover the next day a little less painful :D

My OCD (Personal)

Monk is a TV series about an obssesive-compulsive detective who is able to solve even the most mind-boggling cases despite his condition. I never liked that show. It just gives me the chills everytime Monk starts rearranging a bouquet of flowers or flips a switch several times before actually stopping. It just brings back dark memories.

A few years ago, I remember waking up every night to make sure every rug in my double-storey house has its fringe straightened. Then I'd proceed to rearrange my toilet slippers so as to have its tip faced straight at the toilet. Then right before going to bed, I'd flick my light switch twice. And when I thought everything was done, I'd wake up again just to recheck everything to make sure I didn't miss a rug or a toilet slipper.

I just had this feeling that if I do not perform or miss anyone of those midnight rituals, something very bad is going to happen to me in my sleep. Like maybe I would wake up the next day to find that I have a disease. Growing up, I have always been a worry wart. Why is it so hard for me to breath? Why am I always having a migrane? Why am I going to the toilet so often? I was so afraid contracting a disease.

I never told my parents about it. Though once I got really worried and had my mum bring me to the clinic just so I can check for signs of asthma. At that time, I also wanted to scream, "Doctor, I think I also have diabetes and a brain tumor!" but I kept my cool. The doctor told me that I was perfectly fine and that my breathing problem was all in my head.

Besides my obsession with personal health, I also had another compulsion. I used to worry that every night, I would be kidnapped. The sound of my house gate rattling and light taps in my living room would send me shivering under my blanket. If that was't enough, I also had a fear of being abducted by (don't laugh) extraterrestrial beings. It didn't help that my house was so close to the airport. Midnight landings used to scare the hell out of me.

Clearly I had a lot of fatuous fears while I was growing up. That is why as I got older I learned to suppress those thoughts by performing several self-made rituals at night when everyone is asleep (so my family won't think I'm crazy). But I always thought that I'm one of the lucky few who turned my obsession into something healthier. It was Form 4 when I started to look to text books as a new form of escape.

So every night instead of repositioning rugs and toilet slippers, I would read my school text books several times until I got sleepy. But even that proved tedious. After I've switched off the lights, I would occupy my head by revising everything that I've read but whenever I hit a road block, "Oh crap, what's the definition of Newton's 3rd Law again?", I'd immediately get up from my half-asleep state and find the answers. Sometimes I end up overdoing it till I never get any sleep for the entire night.

But as time passed, I had more 'real' things to worry about. Thank goodness for adulthood. Slowly, all of my inane fears dissolved away. No longer do I have silly thoughts flooding my mind, no longer do I have to perform crazy repetitive rituals, no longer do I have to suffer sleepless nights and of course, no longer do I score well in my exams. Sigh.

Truth of the matter is I do miss having an overwhelming sense of worry even if it is for something so preposterous. Now I could have my rugs all messed up, shoes thrown everywhere, have noises echoing from downstairs, books half-revised and yet still be able to sleep soundly at night. But so very seldomly, I would wake up and think to myself, "I miss those times when I actually cared."

Anytime Now

I will be a man about this. You can do it Ben, just take a deep breath *inhales*, now.. (looks down) woah, I have man-breasts! It's been a while since I've done any real exercise, I swear I'll start jogging again tomorrow. Jogging is boring, maybe I should visit the nearby basketball court. It is after all a more exciting sport and plus I get to make new friends. It would be a huge boost for my non-existent social life. I hope it rains tomorrow so I won't have to do anything.

I'm feeling dizzy. Oh right. *exhales* Why is this taking me so long?! I have been staring at the mirror for almost 10 minutes and I still haven't moved an inch. Ben! Pick that bag of salt up. There we go ... Aaahh, it's as if I'm holding a bag of anthrax!

No, no, it's a bag of candy! A bag of delicious mouth watering candy that I am now scooping out with my finger and rubbing on my swollen tongue. *Rub, rub* (Pause) Silly Ben scaring yourself for no reason, it's really not so bad. Sure it's a little salty and..

HOLY SHIT, IT FEELS LIKE A THOUSAND TINY DAGGERS ARE PERPETUALLY STABBING MY TONGUE! NOW THE BLADES HAVE GOT IN DEEP AND THEY ARE TWISTING THEMSELVES! OOOHH, THE PAIN, THE AGONY!

Phew, glad that's all over with. Now I can go on with my pain-free life. Tra-la-la-la.

(Snaps out from dream)

Oh my god, apply the damn salt already!