Sewjin's Project Happy Malaysia

"Tag, you're it!" And then together with 3 of my other friends, we started scattering all over the school canteen. I couldn't run very fast at that time so I'd mostly end up being 'it' or squatting down screaming for help throughout an entire game of tag. "Chop!" And as usual I am stuck at the usual spot with my fingers cupped, waiting for Ben to save me. He usually does.

Yes, I have a friend also named Benjamin. "Are you both, brothers?" was the common question asked. Teachers would sometimes tell both of us to stand up in front of the entire class just so they can get us to answer some other silly questions; "Are you both from the same hospital? Where did you get your name? Why is one of you so fat and the other so thin?"

But what intrigued me the most was why the other 20 Mohds in our class never got the same attention as we both did. I never put too much thought into that. We had 3 Mohds in our clique. I love our clique.

We played everything together; tag, tin-can football, 'kayu tiga', 'pepsi-cola', you name it. We'd also joke about everything; "Don't make me angry or I'll bring pork to school tomorrow!", "Oh yeah? Then I'll bring cow meat!" Every joke, every prank and every laughter seemed like they echoed throughout my primary school years. Once, we were caught skipping class together and got sent to the principal's office. Halfway through his heated lecture, all of us suddenly burst into laughter because the principal said 'puki'. Good times. Through thick and thin we made it through primary school and there was nothing that could take that away from us.

"Over here! Over here!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was crouching just beside the canteen counter and you'd think shouting so loudly like that would prompt a yelling from the canteen operators there. It didn't. In fact, Cik. Aminah always gave me a warm smile. But today she offered me something, "Here's a candy for you while you wait." And for some reason, I automatically reached down my pocket, grabbed 5 cents and handed it to her. She refused my payment and I innocently replied, "But.. I owe you something.." Aah, a young business boy I was.

"How about this, you owe me a promise that five of you will continue to be the best of friends right till the end," she said. "Too easy, that's definitely worth less than 5 cents!" I laughed.

After primary school ended, five of us were all lucky enough to have ended in the same secondary school. But things were different, the system revealed more of itself than we ever wanted to know with each passing day. We drifted apart. There were no big arguments, no huge fist fights, no nothing. Just an understanding that the 2 Bens and the 3 Mohds can never go back to the way things were.

Though I lie here disappointed with 5 cents in my hand and a broken promise, I can't help but feel a tenuous sense of gladness. I am glad that for one brief moment in my life, I lived a dream of a small but tightly-knit multiracial group. A dream that was, Happy Malaysia.

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Happy Merdeka Day folks!
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Food Budgeting For Undergraduates

Moving out from the hostel campus has so far been the best thing that we've ver done for ourselves in UTM. Unfortunately, we moved out in the middle of the semester which means we can't claim our hostel fees back from the UTM staff so now, we ended up paying both the hostel fees AND our house rent this semester. "Ouch"

We barely have enough money to furnish the entire house, apply for a broadband connection and keep TWO dogs! There were even signs of regret that we moved out in the first place. What's done is done. So anyway, ever since the move, everyone started controlling their daily spendings especially on food. Normie was hit the hardest so he's actually budgeting RM2.00 for each of his meal. I don't know how he does it but I worry that pretty soon he'll go for broke:

(In Normie's room)
Ben: Come on let's go for dinner.
Normie: NO! No spending money! See, see, watch, *Inhales heavily then swallows* I'm full!
Ben: This is not healthy at all for you man. You need to..
Normie: Shush! *Inhales heavily then swallows*
Ben: ... What was that?
Normie: That was tomorrow's breakfast taken care off.

Adrian on the other hand, has been cracking his brain trying to figure out ways to lower our daily food expenditures. Initially, he suggested that each of us start learning how to cook a dish and then take turns preparing dinner everyday. It was supposed to be a great idea, but everyone got into a heated argument on who should own rights to "Maggi Goreng". Adrian then had to find other money-saving methods:

(Outside the house)
Adrian: [Pouring dog food into our puppy's bowl. Stops and looks at the packet]
Ben: Don't even think about it.
Adrian: [Grabs a bite of the puppy chow]
Ben: That is disgusting!!
Adrian: Delicious! Come to think of it, we'd save lots of money if we all learned to eat dog food.
Ben: You have totally lost it, haven't you?

(Normie shouting upstairs: FREE AIR! FREE AIR! WOOOHOOO!!)

Ben: Fine, tell me more about this idea of yours.

It's a hard time for everyone here.

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Hey guys, watch out for my Project Happy Malaysia story which I will publish at 0.00am on Merdeka Day tomorrow!
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Our New Dogs Ran Away!

Remember my two new dogs I brought home two days ago? You know, the ones that I fed poison and diarrhea food to. Yeah, they both ran away. They've been crying for two days non-stop and we suspect that they are just missing their mom. Being the caring human beings we are, 5 of us immediately set out on a dog-hunt around the neighbourhood.. yeah right:

(Adrian woke up to find that our doggies are missing)
Ben: Normie, where did our dogs go?!
Normie: Huh.. er.. (wipes drool of face) Yesterday was Hakka day and in our place we celebrated it by having a nice big serving of dog meat. I for one did not intend to miss out on the event.
Ben: OMG, how could you?!
Normie: I'm kidding, you gullible geek. I don't care if there's a hot ballerina doing splits and somersaults in the nude outside, just leave me to my sleep!

(Kim for sure would be more helpful)
Ben: Our dogs ran away!
Kim: Quick, let's go find them. We'll just search around the vicinity while yelling their names. Adrian will take the left part of the neighbourhood, you take the right and I will move around in my car.
Ben: Good idea, but there's only one problem.
Kim: What? We've got to hurry!
Ben: We haven't named them yet.

(Minutes later, Normie realised his mistake)
Normie: Adrian, I am so sorry I didn't know what I was thinking.
Ben: I'm glad you came to your senses.
Normie: Yeah me too. I mean if ever there was a hot ballerina doing splits and what not outside our yard, I WANT you to wake me up because I do care! I really do!
Ben: Ok... what about our missing dogs?
Normie: We had dogs?

So right now, we are assuming that our doggies are just taking a short walk around the park and they will return to their loving masters by the end of the day. Masters so loving, they FORGOT to take a decent picture of their dogs just in case it both went missing and they needed to print 'help find them' posters to stick all over the neighbourhood. This was the best I could do:



Better than nothing.

Our New Pet

In an attempt to make our new house more like a home, 5 of us decided to get a pet:

(Group Discussion)
Kim: Dogs are natural chick magnets. We could certainly use one in our sausage-infested house.
Ben: Great, we'll can train it to sit, stay, shake hands and all them neat tricks.
Kim: No use. Better we train it to do our house chores.
Ben: So you're suggesting we should teach our dog to hold a mop?
Kim: No, silly. We'll just get one of those thick-furred dogs, dip it in Floor Cleaner and have it roll itself all over our house in an even and sequential pattern.
Ben: That has to be the most disturbing idea I've ever heard.

(Normie cuts in)

Normie: Let's train our dog to take all our clothes in when it rains, and then hang them back out when it stops.
Ben: With what? It doesn't even have opposable thumbs!
Normie: ... and it shall cook for us.
Kim: Start it off with Maggi!
Everyone: MAGGI!
Ben: Our dog has no chance of being normal.

So after searching high and low, we finally got ourselves a handsome dalmation. By handsome dalmation of course I meant, two very sick and stray puppies. We were on a tight budget. Initially we planned to steal a newborn from our neighbour's chinese-breed dog but since we did make a wager last week on the maximum number of trips to 'Palmsville' one of us could take in a day, we figured it might be a little early for us to hit a new low.

None of us ever had a pet dog before so the sight of 5 university undergrads jakun-ing over every single thing the dog does was priceless; "Why is it sniffing the ground? Why is it vigorously scratching itself? It's licking me! It's peeing! It's crapping! It's farting!" We decided to go to a local pet store to get some answers and facts. Over there, we found out that we made 3 very crucial mistake:

1. We fed them Pedigree. It causes liver disease and shedding of fur.
2. We fed them condensed milk. It causes diarrhea.
3. Both of the pups were male. Way to make our home less sausage-infested. <---- huge mistake!

And it took us a day to realise mistake number 3.

How To Lose A Girl In One Date

Today, while I was surfing the net at our campus library, a really attractive gal walked past me. Like a vulture eyeing its prey, my eyes persistently followed her until she was out of sight. "I want that girl's number," I thought to myself. Coincidentally, CK knew that girl and he gladly gave up her phone number to me. 'Gladly' because to my friends, the very idea of me having a girlfriend is just so hilarious and they would like nothing better than to enjoy the show:

(Picture painted by Adrian, Kim & Normie)
Girlfriend: I don't see why we can't go to a fancier restaurant on our anniversary.
Ben: A RM3 char kuey tiaw will end up as the same amount of waste in our toilet bowl as a RM40 steak. Eat up.
Girlfriend: You are so very romantic.
Ben: Now, now, nobody likes a sore punching bag.
Girlfriend: A what?
Ben: See that's what worries me, you don't get most of what I say. So I got you this for our anniversary present.
Girlfriend: "So You Have An IQ Of A Cow" and there's a Mary France Bodyline brochure stuck in between the book. What are you trying to say?!
Ben: You are getting fatter each day and it hurts my eyes. I worry that soon, I would go blind.
Girlfriend: Fine, I'll just stop eating then!
Ben: Good, now let's go home and have sex.
Girlfriend: But I'm having my period.
Ben: WE WILL HAVE SEX!

Maybe I am a little serious when it comes to work but come on. I bet even the most evil person on earth would know how to properly treat a lady, after all, Hitler did bag Eva Braun as his wife. So here I am, staring at my fully charged nokia and still contemplating whether or not I should make the first move. It is as exciting as it gets right here.

Engineering vs. Medicine II

I love medical drama series; Scrubs, House, Grey's Anatomy, etc. The way doctors are potrayed as these really smart human beings who use their know hows to save the lives of others (and earn lots of $$$ doing it) really impresses me. And adding the fact that it never gets boring in a hospital:

(A patients goes into heart arrest)
Nurse: We've lost an airway.
Doctor: Ok, get me the crash cart, grab me a central line kit stat! I'll bag him. Dopamine, run it wide open.
Nurse: No pulse.
Doctor: Damn it, don't you die on me! Get me an airway, I need a pacing wire!
Nurse: We've got pulse! He's stabilising. You saved his life, doctor.
Doctor: All in a day's work, all in a day's work.

Saving lives, taking credit; lather, rinse repeat. I could certainly live with that. Then I think of my future job as an engineer:

Ben: So the sum of the lower forces is -taps calculator-
Ben: Oh no! -taps repeatedly- MY CALCULATOR HAS RUN OUT OF BATTERIES! How will I be able to complete my stability check for this building in time?!
Doctor: I heard your cry. Quick, take this extra battery.
Ben: Oh thank you! You probably have saved the lives of millions, doctor.
Doctor: All in a day's work, all in a day's work.

It must feel so good to wake up every morning and put on that white coat.

Extinction of Idioms

Nobody uses idioms anymore around here. It's understandable actually. I had a lecturer once who overuses idioms and it didn't feel comfortable at all having to sit through an hour of her quote-fest:

(In class)
Lecturer: And that's how you solve this equation, easy as one-two-three! *happy glee*
Ben: [You cannot be serious.]
Lecturer: Now I'm going to divide you all into groups with only 3 person per group. As they say, too many cook spoils the soup! *rainbow and sunshine*
Ben: [Run!] Maam, may I be excused?
Lecturer: Be sure to kill two birds with one stone in there. *winks*
Ben: What does it take you to stop?! 50 bucks? My bank book? I know, MY SOUL! -rips heart out then dies-
Lecturer: Class, he is as dead as a doornail. *giggles*

Yes I know. Maybe she was just trying to help improve our vocabulary but still, it feels like I'm being fed with an overdose of happy everytime she quotes a saying. Idioms are used to pass a message to someone without using direct and sometimes hurtful words. But when you're so used to getting your messages across in this manner:

Ben: If I don't pass this test I won't get my 15% and I won't get that extra 2 marks and then I won't be able to pass my exams!
Adrian: You are stupid.
Ben: Don't you mean I'm making a mountain out of a molehill?
Adrian: No, you're making a stupid out of a stupid.

It gets hard to see past the happy.

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Why is there a sudden surge of medical students adding me into their reading lists? Click!
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Reversing 15 Years Of Malaysian Education

I remember once, my dad was on the PC doing his work and I was on my laptop with the speaker at full blast:

(Me clicking rapidly)
Laptop: "You call to me?"
Laptop: "Why have I been summoned?"
Laptop: "How long must I suffer?"
Laptop: "You brought me back?"
Dad: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, ANSWER IT ALREADY!

Krobelus sure does ask a lot of questions. Anyway if you haven't figure it out yet, I'm talking about Dota. A brilliant Warcraft III mod that has taken the online gaming world by storm. Unfortunately, my dad doesn't quite agree:

Dad: Explain to me what's the object of this game.
Ben: Well to put it simply, we just have to destroy the opponent's main artifact -pointing to the artifact-
Dad: So go destroy it.
Ben: I can't, they'll kill me before I can reach the artifact. We have to kill them first. That's why we have to buy all these items and stuff. I got Sange & Yasha already! *pumps fist*
Dad: Son, who is the current PM of Malaysia?
Ben: George Bush bin something..

He seems to think that this game is so childish, it's actually reversing 15 years of my exam oriented Malaysian education which by the way, isn't so bad. I would run off into the jungle, wear tiger skin as briefs and learn to speak with ants! Why ants? Because they're small and sneaky and I could use them to get answers from the smartest guy in the exam hall, wherever he may sit! ... DAMN IT!!

I know, nothing can reverse this "one exam, one score, one future" mindset the ministry ever so subtly rubbed on us. Not even dota.

5 Guys And A Lesson On Housekeeping

Five boys living in one double storey house is never good news. Besides the huge possibility that one of us will turn gay (Kim for sure), there's also a chance that this house will turn into one large pig stye by the end of this month. Even our definition of a rubbish bin is "anywhere not visible". Who wants to take out the trash when all you need to do to get rid of something is by dumping it under the bed or slotting it into a tiny hole; kitchen sink, open pipes, our bed posts.

We're so lazy, I wouldn't be suprised if we shoved our trash right up into our own bodily orifices. Nostrils and ear holes are out because apparently it's still visible, leaving us with only ONE very uncomfortable choice (That's two for the girls, lucky them).

So Adrian, being the 'cleanest' among all 5 of us decided to make a duty roster. Quotes given because this is the same guy who dug his own nose crap and gave it to my hamster as food. Anyway, we're talking about getting 5 really lazy butts to each take turns cleaning the ENTIRE house once a week. Here is the huge notice stuck on our living room wall. Of course there had to be insentives:


(Click for larger image)

You don't get it? Here is Ahmeng's birthday video. Hopefully the use of excessive profanity and a death threat will at least get us to hold a broom, even for a second.

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Someone new added me into her daily reads! I'm returning the favour.
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TM Helpline Needs Help

I made a huge mistake of calling up my ISP provider (TM) today to ask about the sudden halt in my broadband connection this afternoon. Many have complained about the poor customer support this company gives especially through phone but I was desperate. I needed to know whether TM was down for maintainence OR that my router was wrongly configured:

(On the phone)
Automated Voice: Press 1 for Malay or Press 2 for English.
Ben: -Presses 2-
TMgirl: Hello.
Ben: Hello, my streamyx connection suddenly went down for no apparent reason. Are you guys undergoing some sort of maintainence now?
TMgirl: You.. try to.. wait .. Biar saya panggil technician kejap.

(Ben is put on hold while a cheesy TM song is being played. Soon after, he gets disconnected)

I'm more humoured than pissed at this conversation. Seems like they are just asking you to choose the language you'd like to be greeted in because 'Hello' was the only decent sentence the helpline guy could put together.

(Attempt 2)
TMgirl: Hello.
Ben: Hello, my streamyx connection just died on me. I was wondering if my area is currently undergoing some maintainence.
TMgirl: What's your phone number?
Ben: -gives number-
TMgirl: Ok hold on, I'll go check.

(Ben is put on hold while a cheesy TM song is being played. Soon after, he gets disconnected)

Now, I'm pissed.

(Attempt 3)
TMgirl: Hello.
Ben: [starts singing cheesy TM song]
TMgirl: Hello?
Ben: Duuuuuuuuu.. [imitating dead tone]
TMgirl: Anyone there?
Ben: How does THAT feel bitch?! Wahahaha!!
TMgirl: Oh I get it. I'm still willing to help you know.
Ben: Really? How sporting of you. See my streamyx co..

(TM song plays, then Ben is quickly disconnected)

TMgirl: No one gives crappy music and dead tones besides the TM Customer Support Team!
Ashlee Simpson: No one?
TMgirl: No one!

So as it turns out, the broadband connection in my area WAS down for maintainence. *phew* No problems with my router. Still, I am a little disappointed that I had to get hung up on twice just to get an answer to one simple question. The TM helpline doesn't help well at all.

I Am A Future Workaholic

(A discussion on workaholics)
Ben: You know what's funny? Back in high school, a girl-friend jokingly told me that I am one of those guys who would put his career first before family in the future.
Wanyean: What's so funny? You ARE a future workaholic.
Kim: Yep, you are guaranteed to become a compulsive worker. I pity your wife, that is, if you you could get one.
Ben: But.. but..
Wanyean: Ben The Bee is what we'd call you behind your back.

It's scary when you discover a chilling fact about yourself that you were never aware off. It's even scarier when the only few things you could see in your future are workloads, paychecks and a poorly-kept studio apartment. Family? That would only get in the way of my promotion to VP, but it sure would serve me well as a gimmick what with the image of leaders as 'family men' and all:

(20 years later)
Boss: After 20 years of your faithful commitment to the company, I have finally found someone capable enough to fully run this company.
Ben: You mean..
Boss: Yes, you are up for the position of VP. Congratulations!
Ben: YEEESSS!
Boss: But there's a problem. A 40 year old, single man does not bode well with the image of a caring leader.
Ben: Don't worry, that's taken care of *whistles*

(2 women and a boy enters the room)

Ben: This is Kate Beckinsale, she'll play my angmoh wife and that's Haley Joel Osment, he'll play my angmoh son.
Boss: You're hiring actors to play your family?! ... Who is the other woman?
Ben: After having a dominating angmoh wife and a rebelious angmoh son for 10 years, I realised that it is best I stick to my own race. Obviously I can't opt for divorce at the risk of lawsuit so I had an affair. This is Zhang Zi Yi, she'll be playing my complying asian mistress.
Boss: ...

Jokes aside, maybe I do have a tendency to prioritise work over family. Sad part is, there's nothing I can do about it.

TiVo vs. ASTRO

Screw the reviews, I thought "Click" was an awesome flick. What intrigued me the most was the idea of a universal remote control that not only controls every aspect of your life, it even adapts itself to the user, kinda like TiVo. I wonder what would happen if we tried to make a cover version of the film using an ASTRO controller:

Scene 1
Wife: Why don't you ever have time for your family? Bla, bla, bla.
Adam: Will you be quiet?! Mute! (Click!)
Wife: -Please subscribe to this service- *Continues rambling*
Adam: What the? I know I'll just pause her. (Click!)
Wife: -Please subscribe to this service- *Continues rambling*
Adam: Fast forward?! (Click!)
Wife: -Please subscribe to this service- *Continues rambling*
Adam: NOOOOO!!

Scene 2
Adam: Make it sunny again! (Click!) ... (Click! Click! Click!) Why isn't it working!!
Adam: -Calls customer support- Hello? My universal remote can't seem to change the weather. You promised me that it could control EVERYTHING!
CS: By chance is it cloudy over there?
Adam: Yeah, it's raining here.
CS: Ayo first time use our service is it? Wait la until rain stop! -Hangs up-

And it shall be called "Tekan".

Being Stereotyped Feels So Wrong

I found this article plastered all over our college notice boards. It was regarding the inter-college basketball finals match:

"Perlawanan bola keranjang ini menyaksikan majoriti pemain bola keranjang adalah berbangsa cina. Ini mungkin disebabkan faktor ketinggian serta pendedahan dari kecil terhadap sukan ini. Perlawanan berakhir dengan menyaksikan kontinjen Kolej 10 muncul sebagai juara."

And that was the entire article. Unlike the other reports concerning the inter-college match finals for football, futsal, hockey, badminton, the basketball finals match write up had no rosters, no highlights and no play by play action. Just one very disturbing stereotypical statement on the chinese community. Taller? Yao Ming was a fluke for crying out loud!

Anyway, I'm looking on the bright side. After all, we (chinese) are known as the new african-american of basketball in Malaysia.

Ben The Horse Whisperer

I rode a horse for the second time this month. Though it's still as exciting as the first time, I'm kinda bummed that we were not given total freedom while jockeying around the field. The instructor was always there to give instructions to the horse whether it's to walk, turn, trot or stop. It almost feels like I'm sitting in one of those 50 cent carousels. Heck, I even sympathize the kids who were forced by their parents on those contraptions. And everyone knows there's nothing I hate more than pitying myself.

It's not that I have anything against his teaching method, maybe he's just slowly getting us used to the horse. Problem is, I've always wanted to 'verbalize' with the horse, you know, to get close to it (if Ben had a crazy side, let this be the only one) but I can't possibly do that with the instructor around:

(At the field)
Ben: [Mounts the horse] Hello horsie. Just follow my lead and I promise you we'll both have a good run today.
Instructor: Ok, walk the horse.
Ben: There we go nice and slow. Someone's in for a huge serving of grass later.
Instructor: Now trot it.
Ben: Ride into the wind horsie! Ride into the wide blue yonder! Ride into the..
Instructor: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!
Ben: But I was..
Horse: OMG, JUST LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAID AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Instructor & Ben: ...
Horse: Er.. I mean, "woof" "woof". Damn it, what do horses go?

I Am Overspending

So word has been getting around that I spend (money) waaaay too much in a month. How much exactly, I'm not telling but this I'll tell; take the average budget of a typical local undergraduate and TRIPLE it. There I am, below the figure.

I mean compared to my friends, we spend just as much on books, fees, cybercafe trips and groceries. The only thing that differs me from them is FOOD expenses. I can never comprehend how Kim could pat his stomach so satisfyingly after 'sipping' down his RM1.50 plate of vegetables when I myself couldn't even be contented with my RM4.00 plate of meat.

I remembered once my dad made me keep an account to track where all the money went. Towards the end of the month, "Food & Groceries" occupied 80% of my account book. Even a fat man would only spend 70% of their money on food (and 10% on diet tapes). I wonder what would happen if this keeps up:

(Scene 1)
Dad: You're home!
Ben: Why are you camping outside?
Dad: Camp? Son, this is our new home now.
Ben: But..
Dad: Look, now I'm in the kitchen [Scoots to the left] and now I'm in the living room. How cool is that?!

(Scene 2)
Dad: Who are you?
Ben: It's me, Ben. Your only son.
Dad: My son's name is Bernice.
Ben: But, she's your daughter!
Dad: Oh that can be fixed, yes.. [grins at Bernice]

I must control my spendings. In the mean time you can just call me by my new nickname, 'Papa's Boy'.

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Just Sewjin got reviewed by.. guess who?
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My First 'Date' In UTM

Yesterday I went to the hostel cafeteria to meet up with June, an old hometown friend. She needed some help with one her subjects so I gladly offered my assistance. Seeing as June is a SHE and it's a one to one meet AND I have a reputation of not having even one single girl-friend in UTM, meeting up at your hostel cafeteria where there's like a 110% chance you'll bump into one of your pals is NOT a very good idea.

(In the cafeteria with my hometown friend)
Wanyean: [Snap, snap, snap] Wahahaha! [Looks at pictures taken] Got something to blog about already.
Kim: -Poke- -poke- It's a real girl!
Adrian: I.. I am so.. (sobs) proud of you..
Normie: Paying a chick to sit next to you in public? This has to got to be a new low for you.

[Handphone rings]

Dad: Hello. Just wanted to check up my son. Hey, why is it so noisy there?
Ben: I'm tutoring a friend in the cafeteria. She needed help on..
Dad: [Interrupts] Wait, a girl is sitting right beside you?! WIFEY, YOUR SON FINALLY BAGGED ONE!
Mom (In the distance): WHAT'S HER NAME? WHERE'S SHE FROM?
Ben: She's my old hometown friend la dad.
Dad: HONEY, SHE'S AN OLD HOMETOWN FRIEND.
(...)
Dad: Your mom doesn't care. Bring her home.

I said there's a huge chance I would bump into ONE of them, who knew I'd bumped into ALL of them. And the phone call by my dad, it just sums up the entire scene that night.

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