Lantern Festival Bashing

If you can..

Try ignoring the obvious rage in this audio post. Ok feed readers, it's time to visit my site again.

Class Act

Single Forever

Mak is a very random person:

(During lecture)

Mak: What is the lecturer talking about?!

Adrian: No idea.

Mak: Ben, I have to ask you something.

Ben: I don't know either. The lecturer is talking too fast.

Mak: Actually I wanna ask if you have any female friends who has a bubbly personality and speaks Cantonese. I'm 21 and I need a girlfriend.

See what I mean. Anyways, the lecture was getting boring so I thought I'd play along:

Ben: I do have one.

Mak: PERFECT! Give me her number.

Ben: Hey, you gotta return the favor first.

Mak: Like a trade? Fine, what do you look for in a girl?

Ben: Hold on.

(...)

Ben: Here. (hands a piece of paper)

Mak: (Reads)

1. Pretty but not too pretty.

2. Shorter than me but not too short.

3. Smart but not too smart.

4. Talkative but not too noisy.

Mak: ...

Ben: So is there anyone?

Mak: Let me put it this way Goldilocks, you're gonna be receiving money for many Chinese New Years to come.

I'm not asking too much right?

At Least He Understood Me

My Mandarin still hasn't improved much since I first arrived here in Skudai two and a half years ago. I blame myself for not trying to speak the language at all and instead opting for the easier route by telling everyone that I'm English-educated and Mandarin is as foreign to me as Greek.

Now, even my most 'Chinese' of Chinese-educated friends speak to me in English. Bah. The only time I do speak Mandarin is when I'm ordering food and god knows that isn't enough to even improve my pronunciations:

Someone speak to me in Mandarin!!

I Rode A Motorcycle!

I now have a motorcycle! Ok, it's really my uncle's one but he already has a car AND he lives all the way up there in Kedah so.. IT'S ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHAHA! *mosquito flies in Ben's mouth. Ben chokes. Ben dies.*

Now here's the catch; I don't have a motorcycle license nor have I ever ridden one before. Ok fine, it's not so much as a catch but more of a.. disability. I don't own a motorcycle license now because back then, I was rushing to complete my car license so I could start driving my mum's wira.

No doubt that I'm regretting every single minute of it now that I am stranded here in Skudai without a car that I can drive and with a motorcycle that I can't ride. That all changed today when Adrian offered to give me some motorcycle riding lessons! He conveniently divided the lesson into two parts:

(Theory)

Adrian: The accelerator is over here, the light switch is over here and the signal lights are over there. Have fun.

Ben: Are you sure that is all?

Adrian: Yep I'm sure.

Ben: Ok...

Adrian: Hold on! The horn is over here.

Ben: You were gonna send me off without telling me where the horn is?!

Adrian: I'm so sorry.

(Ben revs up engine, gets ready to take off)

Adrian: Oh ya, the brakes are over there.

And of course:

(Practical)

Adrian: GOT CAR! GOT CAR!

Ben: Where?!

Adrian: THERE! *points*

Ben: But it is two blocks far..

Adrian: Early warning.

Ben: .. and it's driving away from me.

Adrian: Just be careful.

I did pretty ok on my first day. I managed to circle the entire neighbourhood and not kill myself. Truth be told, I couldn't possibly crash even if I wanted to because I kept confusing the brakes as the accelerator. I was actually slamming the brakes everytime I want to go faster. Silly me, I know.

Here's the full-length version. It was already halfway through the lessons:

A Trip To Lovely Lace

Adrian made us follow him into Lovely Lace today to pick out a birthday present for his girlfriend. Bad idea:

(In Lovely Lace)

Ben: Adrian, I am very uncomfortable with this place. It's all girly and...

Kim: PINK! THIS WHOLE PLACE IS PINK!

Ben: That and Kim is getting hysterical. Just quickly pick a doll and let's get out of here.

Adrian: Hold on. I'm looking for something.. perfect.

I'll never get why girls love pink so much. Guys would freak out if they woke up in a pink room and here we are walking into one.

(CK taps Ben from behind)

Ben: What?

CK: After walking around this store, I realised one thing.

Ben: Yeah?

CK: Everything in this place is useless to guys. The owner must be a feminist bitch.

Ben: Adrian, CK already thinks this place is sexist. PICK SOMETHING!

Soft toys, earring holders, musical boxes, and more soft toys. The only thing guys would ever think of using in this store is the exit. CK's got a point.

(Adrian finally finds something)

Adrian: What do you think? *shows a soft toy dog*

Ben: Cute. How much is it?

Adrian: RM99.

Ben: For a soft toy doggy?!

(Kim slaps Ben)

Ben: I mean, wow, nice. Take it.

Adrian: But one of its eyes are covered. See.

Ben: Just trim it la when you get back.

Adrian: It's a little dusty too.

Ben: I have a hair dryer at home.

Adrian: And...

Ben: What else?! You wanna know if it has already taken its shots ah? Scared it will kena hepatitis A & B is it?! JUST BUY THE DAMN THING!

The salesgirl had a good laugh with us in the store. And yeah, Adrian got the damn dog.

On Stage Nightmare

While emceeing for an event, I always have this fear that I'd make a really lame joke. It's ok if I do it once because let's face it, I am no Jim Carrey. But to continuously pull off one bad joke after another on stage in front of hundreds of people is just.. horrifying.

Finally, it is all over!

Emcee Duties (Personal)

I remember going up there for the first time. I was gripping my script so tightly because it was the only thing to hold on to. But as the paper started to tear, I quickly stopped and began looking for something else to settle my nerves. Yep, nothing was more calming than to watch a thousand pair of eyes staring intently back at me. My palms are sweaty.

"Good evening everyone!" When I uttered those words, my hands shook so hard I was actually vibrating. I was afraid that if I completed my introduction, I would have already drilled a hole right through the stage. It would be good anyway since I would have somewhere to hide when I wet my pants.

I do still get stage frights but I am certainly a lot less dramatic about it. Wish me luck.

Understanding A Promoter

From today onwards, I am gonna start seeing sales promoters under a whole different light. Here's the story, remember that automotive club I joined this semester? Yeah, we actually spent the last month preparing a seminar that will be held this weekend. It is a 4 hour talk on three main types of alternative fuel; hybrid, solar and biodiesel.

Now, each of the committee members are required to take turns promoting the event at the faculty booth. Basically, we're handing out fliers, explaining to our faculty students what the event is all about and if possible, get them to sign up for it. I have never done promotional work before but backed with some very minimal public speaking skills I was pretty confident, at first:

(First try)

Ben: Hey there! Would you be interested..

Student: No no no. *walks away quickly*

I immediately froze and that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks, I am a PROMOTER! The kind of person I grew up to despise because of their pushiness and persistence and especially because of their 'say anything to get you to buy their product' attitude. There I was, one of... them.

I felt like shit but I picked myself up and quickly went up to another student:

(Second try)

Ben: Hey, we're having a seminar this Su...

Student: *Walks away, ignoring Ben*

Now I'm suicidal. I was gonna papercut my wrist with the fliers I have in my hands and just die there. For some reason, I felt that it was far less embarrassing to bleed to death in front of 100 people as compared to being rejected by just one person. After all, it won't really matter when I lose my first liter of blood.

That's when someone quickly stopped me:

(Without trying)

Student: Uuuh, what are you guys promoting?

Ben: My reason for suicide.

Student: What?

Ben: Oh no, I mean. We're having a seminar this Sunday.. yada, yada, yada.

After I got him to sign up, I was overjoyed but confusion quickly followed. If it's one thing humans can easily sense, it's desperation. So should I just sit at the counter and wait for people to come? Or should I just keep quiet and hand out fliers? Or should I be more selective of the students I'm promoting this event to?

Alas, Kim and I only managed to get 10 people to sign up in 3 days. Not bad considering that the total participants is only 43. Apparently, students are allergic to the word, "seminar". Promotional work isn't easy and my salute goes out to all you thick-skinned sales promoters. I promise to smile the next time I say no :D

Le Cockroach

(Scene: A cockroach flies through my window and onto my table.)

Ben: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! *jumps on the bed*

Kim: Hey, it's just a tiny cockroach la.

(The cockroach flies to Kim's bed)

Kim: AAAAAAAHHHHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

CK (runs into the room): What happened? What happened?

Kim: There's a cockroach on my bed! Look!

CK: Catch it la.

Kim: Be my guest.

CK: And you call yourself a man. *grabs a tissue paper and slowly approaches the cockroach*

(The cockroach suddenly jumps away and starts flying around the room.)

CK: AAAAAAHHHH!!

Kim: IT'S COMING! IT'S COMING!

Ben: AAAAAHHHH!!

Adrian (from next door): Oi, shut up la! What's with the commotion?!

Ben: Cockroach!

Adrian: *quickly runs into his room and shuts his door*

(Few minutes later, CK finally caught hold of the pest)

Ben: Now what are you gonna do with it?

CK: I'm gonna throw it out YOUR window.

Ben: No don't come nea... AAAAAAHHHHH!!

CK: Faster move away, it's slipping!

Kim: AAAAAHHH!!

CK: *throws the cockroach away*

I did extra push ups that day to regain my man points.

Interact Club. Form 6 Memories. (Personal)

This brought back tonnes of memories. I know it is a little corny to say this but joining the Interact Club back then changed me a lot. From that quiet weirdo who is always seen sitting in his little corner alone to this obnoxious weirdo who still prefers to sit in his little corner alone. Can't change em' all.

Here's the link again. The website is a little hard to navigate through because the font colour on the right kinda blends in with the background colour (my bad, I was the webmaster). Just highlight the navigation links for a clearer view. Oh and regarding the angry and mostly bitter entries, er.. teenage angst.

P/S: Check out the 'Members' link for a thinner, slimmer picture of me :D

A Short Sketch

Today, our entrepreneurship lecturer told us to form a group and quickly come up with a short sketch to advertise any brand of product. The catch is, we were only given two minutes. So er.. this is what we came up with:

(Scene: 3 friends stumble upon a small cave.)

Kim: Guys, I want to see what's in there!

Adrian: Ok we'll help.

(Adrian & Normie proceeds to carry Kim and insert him horizontally into the 'cave')

Kim: Oh no guys. Stop. STOP!

Adrian: What's wrong?

Kim: The cave is so full of dirt!

Ben (leaps into the scene): Wait. You'll need this. *puts a plastic bag over Kim's head*

Kim: I do? Ok.

(Adrian & Normie inserts Kim into the cave again)

Kim: Wow, exploring this dirty cave feels so clean with this plastic bag over my head! It's so clean, I think I'm gonna go in and out the cave quickly and repetitively. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ben: Durex. Play clean. Play safe.

Our lecturer then unhinged his jaw and left it hanging there for a few seconds. We thought we did pretty well.

My Thoughts on Healthy Eating

Somebody save me.

The Movie That Gave Me A Migrane

Yesterday, I watched "Rogue Assassin" starring Jet Li. By the way, didn't he say he was retiring after his last movie, 'Fearless'? Oh well, even the east needs a Michael Jordan.

I thought the movie was interesting because there were A LOT of plot twists and of course, the fight scenes. On that note, there were some things that bugged me about the movie:

1. The co-star, Jason Statham is a nobody.
2. Devon Aoki's character did not kick any ass.
3. Unnecessary change in camera angles.

Number 3 takes the cake as I almost puked halfway through the movie. Who knows, maybe the directors thought it would be cool to rapidly change the camera angles every 0.5 seconds during a fight scene. I'm telling you guys right now, it's not. They even used that stupid effect on something as simple as picking up an object on the floor:

It's a good movie but it could have been a lot better by being a lot less annoying. I'm just waiting for "Bourne Ultimatum".